I’m sad.

I’m sad tonight. I’m feeling sad, frustrated, disappointed, and probably a few other emotions.

This will have to do for today’s post. I did have a full post thought out, but it’ll take more energy than I have right now. Today’s been a good day, though! ^_^ Hopefully you’ve had a good day as well.

M3

Ugh…

I picked up Rebeckah a little bit ago and the car was acting weird… weirdly… oddly… not normal… something like that.

The engine kept dying when I stopped or slowed down to a crawl. It’s so weird because it was working perfectly fine (finely?) last night when I drove it down the street. At least, I think it was working then. Now I’m not so sure. It didn’t die when I stopped at the red light yesterday. So yeah, it was probably fine.

Back to tonight. What would make it do this randomly? I have some ideas of what might be the cause, but I’ll take a look at it tomorrow and hopefully it’s a simple (and inexpensive!) fix. I’m gonna need the car to be working so I can go back to Smith soon, so yeah… Eh. It’ll be fine. It always is fine. Why ruffle my feathers. (HAHA, that’s kinda funny and it wasn’t even intentional!)

Keep laughing, my friends! Especially at yourselves. Or me. Laugh at me with me! Please, just do it. I need this. Laugh with me!!

M3

It’s happening… again.

Stomach pain! My stomach is hurting again.

What does this mean?

Well, I’ll tell you what it doesn’t mean; it doesn’t mean everything’s honky Dory, I’ll tell you that much for shizzle.

Note to self: Lookup “honky Dory”. Did I even use that term correctly?

Hopefully it’s only minor, but I have this gut feeling (HA!) that it’s maybe a little more serious than something I ate today. I didn’t even eat that much, which isn’t great either.

Hopefully your tummy is okie dokie!

M3

I’m a pendulum.

I’m a pendulum. And not in the fun way.

Note to self: Find out what the fun way is.

I keep going back and forth between okay and not okay, it’s getting really irritating. I can’t deal with things, but I have to. I’m really trying, but I… I just can’t. Being sick all the time gets really tiring. Being exhausted all the time is tiring. And as tired as I am, I still can’t sleep. I’m lying in bed for hours on end doing nothing until I finally fall asleep, but then I sleep all day and get nothing accomplished.

On top of that, I feel very little. Like, emotionally. It’s been like this for a while, but I think that it’s been amplified over the past few days. Last weekend was good, and I felt good. My spirit was up and I was extra optimistic and stuffs… But now I’m just numb and meh.

Like, I don’t get super pumped about things, or super sad either. Emotions are very short-lived and either weak or very strong. Yanno? I dunno.

It’s just… I want to be normal but I’m not. I know what will help and I know that it’s also partly beyond help. It will be what it will be to some degree and that can’t be changed. But I’ll try to do what I can. It’s incredibly difficult, but I’ll try.

And don’t give me any of that “there is no try, only do” nonsense. I mean, I get what you’re saying with that and I often agree with that sentiment, but I know I’m going to fail. It’s just a fact. I will do what I can, I will try to push forward, but I’m not going to be hard on myself because when I fail that just makes it worse. It’s not even failure, it’s more… not being able to do something (sometimes anything) because of physical and mental limitations. Yanno?

Anyway… I couldn’t sleep last night. I was awake in bed until 8-ish when I finally drifted off. Then I slept until 5-ish when the day is nearly done and there’s not a lot of time left before I have to do this all over again. I need to sleep at a decent hour later tonight so I’ve been focusing on non-intense self-care type things like eating, singing, reading, and stuffs. Although I’ve also been marathoning a TV show while doing that other stuff. It’s one of my top favourites of all time, Please Like Me. It’s a beautifully shot and very honest show that I just love and it’s so personally relevant. Freakishly relevant, actually.

Wow, I was just not expecting so much to come out so easily tonight. It’s just so weird that I’m writing so well when my mind and body feel absolutely like shit.

I need to do more to connect with people. I’m in a city of millions and I feel alone? I mean it makes sense, especially since I’m introverty and awkward and stuffs. But I’m also super outgoing and friendly, which makes it really weird. Though, the depression doesn’t help. I’m also incredibly self aware, which can be fabulous most times… but it can also present in a less productive way which really doesn’t help.

Haha, now I’m rambling. This is now essentially an externalization of my inner thoughts (Carlos [my phone] just tried to put “thighs” instead of “thoughts” there… well played, Carlos) which I’ll read back later and just go “huh…”, yanno?

Anyway, so life is hard but it’s especially hard right now. It’d be nice if my body and mind would be alright so I could focus on the larger things. It’s like the operating system isn’t working so I can’t even worry about getting Spotify running again let alone crank up the tunes because before you can run the app you have to have a device that works, yanno? Just a little bit of an analogy there for you.

It doesn’t help that it’s been raining the past couple of days. I mean, rain is lovely and all but I’ve been less inclined to go out because of it. Though, being honest here, I probably wouldn’t have left the house even if it were mostly sunny without water falling from above. I’m just unable to do things. It’s a miracle I made food and did some housework.

Anywhozzles, I’m gonna try to sleep here in a bit. I’ll probskis be unable to sleep because that’s just been what happens these days… but we’ll give it a go anyway. I’m already insane, trying again while expecting a different result won’t change that much. Haha!

Note to self: I know you spelled “pendulum” correctly, but it looks completely wrong. Just… I think that’s somehow important here for whatever reason and I wanted to point that out. Pendulum is a weird word. But really, all words are weird aren’t they? Also, you’ve written over 800 words now which is crazy.

Have a fantastic Friday, friends!

M3

It’s over.

Soooo… I’ve dumped PayPal officially. We’re over. I’ve changed my status and everything.

PayPal hasn’t stepped up at all, but now that they’re unable to mess with finances again, I kinda don’t care. It’s more trouble than it’s worth. (Well… yeah, let’s just go with that, Matthew.)

There are a few loose ends to tie up, but the main issue has been rectified. Huge thanks to my friend Tony back in Smith!! He was amazingly helpful, especially today.

It’s up and up from here on out, friends! Let’s maintain course!

Btdubs, if you’re in Canada, I highly recommend that you don’t use PayPal.

M3

Today was the best.

The past several weeks have been quite difficult for me, but with that difficulty have come some amazing and uplifting moments. Today I got a heaping dose of good energy, positivity, and new connections.

I stumbled upon an Instagram account earlier this summer for the Invisible Conditions Conference which was focusing on IBD. Today I got to attend that event and it was just amazing. I’m so very appreciative for the event and all the people that I got to meet there. It was amazing to connect with so many people that fully understood what I’m going through with my disease.

Itwas incredibly uplifting and just what I needed right now. The timing was great and I’m so thankful!

I got to have a deeper conversation with one of the organizers after the event wrapped up which was quite beneficial for my adapting to life in Vancouver. He was kind enough to listen to me and chat about various topics and ended up giving me some excellent advice that I’m going to follow up on.

You know, one of the most amazing things a person can do for another person is to just listen. That can be such a gift. This person did that for me today. I really appreciate it.

After that, I walked through the rain for a bit, which was kinda enjoyable, then went to work the closing shift at the coffee house with a co-worker I’d never worked with before. She and I got along swimmingly and we chatted away while cleaning up and stuff. It was a great end to the day.

Overall, I’m just incredibly blessed, thankful, and hopeful. Today was amazing.

I hope that you also had a great day! Whether you did or didn’t, tell me about it! I’d love to hear/read what you’re up to! 😄

M3

From zero to one hundred.

I’ve been doing stuff all week, even if it has mostly consisted of calming down and working to relax my mind and body. For the most part, that was effective and I’m feeling much better now. Good thing that’s the case because starting with tonight things are getting a little crazy for me over the next few days.

Firstly, I got an appointment on Monday to hopefully sort out these bank and PayPal troubles. My sister returns Sunday morning! I have shifts at the coffee house tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday. There’s weekly Dinner & Death at the nerd cafe Sunday evening.

Annndddd I have an IBD (Crohn’s and Colitis) conference tomorrow all day long. So things very quickly got very demanding for me. Which is great! I like it. Plus I’m feeling physically and mentally up for it all.

Actually, come to think of it, most of my weekends will be fairly busy for the next month or so. Interesting how that’s worked out.

À la prochaine!

M3

What’s on my mind?

What’s on my mind? Glad that you asked!

Well, I’m not really glad that you asked…I’m more, “eh. I can’t really think of anything else to talk about, so might as well share what’s going through my mind right now.” Although, come to think of it, you didn’t really ask me anything. I posed the question myself and attributed it to you, dear reader. Why would I do such a thing? So I could set the stage and hopefully pull you into my madness by giving you an active role to play.

It’s late and my arms feel like rubber. I had a headache earlier this evening so I took some medication.

Hey, I work at the coffee house tomorrow! I’m doing the closing shift with on of my favourite co-workers, which should be fairly fun.

Speaking about the coffee house, I’ve discovered that I can’t be a coffee person anymore. Turns out that caffeine negatively affects my Crohn’s. I knew that was a possibility as it’s on the list of possible bad foods, but I hadn’t really experimented with coffee/caffeine before I started working at the coffee house. So now that I do know, I’ll be minimizing my exposure to caffeine. Small amounts now and again shouldn’t be a problem, but I should still avoid it.

Yanno, the more I look at my list of “foods to avoid” and the list of “possible foods to avoid”, the more that I feel there is nothing that I can ingest without negative effects. It’s more like I have to choose what level of bad response I want from my gut on a scale of water to popcorn.

Speaking of rubber, my arms feel like it right now. Rubber that is. Wait… I already mentioned that. *eyeroll* That’s silly of me.

Anyway… I know that there’s decaf coffee available at most places, but that isn’t completely caffeine free. Either way, I think that I should still avoid coffee. I mean, what else can I do? Even chocolate has caffeine in it. If I want to keep eating chocolate, I need to cut out other sources of caffeine so the effects aren’t compounded so much from the chocolate. Yanno? #Logic #WinningAtCrohns

There was a new episode of The Orville tonight but I missed it on TV so I’ll have to stream it online later. The last episode was very fun and guest starred Charlize Theron! There are rumours that we’ll see actors from Star Trek: The Next Generation appear in future episodes this season, including Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner. Possibly even William Shatner! Wouldn’t that be fun?

Earlier tonight while I was making myself some rice, I cut my foot on a sharp corner somewhere. I didn’t even notice until I saw blood, then I thought, “huh… I guess my foot is hurting and I should take a closer look.” It’s not that bad, but I thank you for your prayers and comments of support.

Anyway, I should go to sleep while I continue to bleed into the bandage I applied to my foot wound. Hopefully I don’t lose so much blood that I die while unconscious in my bed. Haha! Could you imagine? That would be horrible.

M3

It’s a little frustrating.

Just a couple of quick things.

I had to park my car down the street a ways because the construction crew working in the alley will be blocking access to the driveway during the daytime for the rest of the week. I don’t think I’ll need to use the car, but just in case I moved it a few minutes ago. Kinda annoying but not really.

I wasn’t able to talk with humans at all today. I couldn’t even send out texts or emails to a few people. I did end up speaking with one of my neighbours when she came to my door to ask a question (and tell me about the construction issue) which caused my body to have a bad reaction. There was a tight feeling in my stomach for the next hour, which doesn’t make sense at all. Although, I know that depression and anxiety have become bigger issues for myself. I basically had a physical and mental breakdown on Saturday in large part because of those issues.

(Edit: When I say that I wasn’t able to talk with humans all day, I mean that my body physically wouldn’t let that happen. I would try and I couldn’t bring myself to do it without that physical pain in my stomach.)

The point being that I’m a little frustrated. We’ll see what the rest of the week brings.

Be kind!

M3