Tag: comedy

A funny thing happened today…

…but I don’t recall the details.

*shrugs*

Oh, well. You’ll just have to live with the knowledge that there was a funny moment in my day today, the details of which you will not know.

Today was a good day! So very much better than yesterday. Granted, I didn’t have a good night’s sleep last night, and my tummy decided to be a pain this afternoon and evening, but everything else was so good!

I finally got to see a gastroenterologist, which has been such a long time in coming. Things are looking good in getting a better Crohn’s support team established! Which is quite important for me. And I’ve been learning and discovering just how needed this stuff is over the last couple of months with some changes and observations I’ve made in my disease. Such a win!

Other than that, I am not in Vancouver yet. Because of unforeseen circumstances, I will instead be leaving tomorrow morning. Which is perfectly fine with me!

I hope that you’re having a wonderful day, my friend! 😀 If not, here’s a few gifs that might not help at all, but I’m going to include anyway. Maybe it’ll do something for you.

Note to self: Find gifs and put them here.

Note to self: See? I did it. 😑 😀

M3

How about some corny jokes?

Everyone likes classic jokes that are kind of silly, corny, and obvious, right? Well regardless, here are some of those very things. You’re welcome.

Why didn’t the acrobat work during the winter?

He only did summersaults!

What’s a clock’s favourite spice?

Thyme!

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs!

Why couldn’t the pirate recite the alphabet?

The pirate always got lost at “C”!

What happened to the overturned fruit truck?

It caused a big traffic jam!

Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

He was too far out, man!

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey!

Why are you still reading this?

Go away!

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?

It was quite an oar deal!

What did the guy with amnesia say at the bar?

So, do I come here often?

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field!

Are we done with this yet?

Yes.

Why didn’t the teddy bear ask for seconds?

It was stuffed!

What did the mermaid wear to math class?

An algae-bra!

Okay, now we’re really done.

M3

My First “List” Post

Lists are fun and they are everywhere! You write a list before you go shopping, you have a daily to-do list, many people even have lists of lists. You see lists on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest… and even those services are based on lists of posts from friends that you’ve added to (yet another) list. Annnnd BuzzFeed is basically another word for list!

So it seems this “list” craze is here to stay. It’s not just a fad! So I’m jumping on the bandwagon by writing my own list! May I present…

Matthew’s Top Six Lists

1. Reasons to Lick Other People

  • To clean sauce off their finger.
  • You’re acting like a dog.
  • Because of a dare.
  • You like them.
  • To taste before eating them.

2. List of Digits

  • Left pinky.
  • Left ring.
  • Left middle.
  • Left index.
  • Left thumb.
  • Right pollex.
  • Right digitus secundus manus.
  • Right digitus me’dius.
  • Right digitus annula’ris.
  • Right digitus mi’nimus ma’nus.

3. List of Digits

  • 0
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • 6
  • 7
  • 8
  • 9

4. Top Girls to Pick Up

  • My mother from the airport.
  • My sister at the grocery store.
  • A baby crying on the floor.
  • The brunette in the corner booth.

5. List of Things I Can See

  • My laptop.
  • A rabbit named Cadbury.
  • A large, open window.
  • My metallic water bottle.
  • Six human legs.
  • A gingerbread TARDIS.
  • Geroy Simon.
  • A lynx.
  • A long, sharp kitchen knife.
  • A coil of rope.
  • Fertilizer.
  • Tears.

6. Types of Lists

  • Laundry
  • To-do
  • Grocery
  • Mental
  • Bucket
  • Packing
  • Ordered
  • Unordered
  • Reading
  • Check
  • Favourites
  • Mailing
  • Friend
  • Ingredient
  • Set
  • Play
  • Cast
  • Guest
  • Hit

Haiku, can you?

Today I have decided to write some haiku for you. Yes, this is written especially for you! You’re welcome.

Haiku is a beautiful and complex form of artistic expression. The intention with this form of poetry is to express a vivid word picture highlighting a juxtaposition of elements using 17 syllables. I will be writing whatever comes to my mind.

Yellow

The colour of joy
A banana that is ripe
Snow covered in pee

Water

Floating in the sky
Falling over a cliffside
Filling a toilet

Falling

Raindrops from above
Hail hitting me on the head
Darn, another list

Blood

Coloured by iron
Always pumping through your veins
A snack for vampires

Haiku

Haiku is a word
It could also be used to
greet someone named Ku

M3

A Love Note

Every time I think of you, my heart skips a beat. My mouth waters and I long to press you to my lips. Your cheesiness and your orange colour always bring a smile to my face! I can’t wait until we meet again, macaroni and cheese.

M3

Shampoo Day

It happened again. I got carried away and didn’t write a new post until the last minute.

I just finished watching Rogue One with Ryan and he suggested that I write about a mundane activity from my everyday life. But that’s kinda boring. So I’m going to write about something that happens less frequently than every day. Get ready for Shampoo Day!

Shampoo day is a rare phenomenon that occurs every four to seven days. But what is it exactly? It’s the day that I treat my hair to a deep cleansing and conditioning. Because of my sensitive scalp, I have to be careful not to clean my hair too frequently or too infrequently. And I have to choose just the right shampoo.

It all starts when I enter the bathroom. Well, it actually starts before that. I first gather all of the necessary materials to complete the task, including the shampoo and my normal shower tools; a Dove beauty bar, Bioré charcoal bar soap, Arm & Hammer toothpaste, my toothbrush, a towel, my phone, Bluetooth speaker, and of course, a shower. (Yes, I brush my teeth in the shower.) The cleaning agent with which I choose to treat my hair and flaky scalp is the Head & Shoulders Clinical Solutions dandruff shampoo.

Note to self: Maybe that’s too specific, Matthew. Yeah… maybe, Matthew.

Once everything is ready, I turn on the bathroom fan, undress, and crank up the tunes! Music is a must for shower time. I turn on the shower and step in once the water reaches a reasonably warm temperature. I spend a few moments revelling in the water raining down on me and singing along with the blaring music.

I dance around and rinse out my hair, preparing myself for the next step: the shampooing. The orangey goo oozes onto my hand as I squeeze the bottle. I use enough to cover a toonie. The lather that forms on my hands as I rub them together make me smile, because yeah… bubbles are fun! Still singing, I run my shampoo-covered hands through my luscious ginger strands growing from the top of my head, coating them with the goo. Next, I brush my teeth while the shampoo sits to do its thing.

Note to self: Yeah, definitely too much, Matthew.

Okay. I want to get to bed anyway, so I’ll wrap this up with a long sentence glossing over the rest of my process.

I rinse out my mouth, then the shampoo, after which I use the soap to wash off the rest of my body, including the charcoal bar for my face and chest, then gargle some water, turn off the shower, pull back the curtain, grab my towel, dry off my person, run some coconut oil through my hair and comb it with my fingers (or an actual comb), then put on some moisturizer and get dressed. All of this while continuing to sing or hum!

And there you have it. Shampoo Day! You’re welcome. 😅

M3