Let’s lighten things up a bit!

flying multicolored hot air balloon

I want to write about something serious and topical, but also, I don’t. Where’s the fun in that? I mean, a bunch of other more influential people are already talking about the things that need addressing—what will I add to the discussion? If I’m not meaningfully adding something with substance, then what’s the point?

Woah. Hold on a moment there, Matthew. Where did this all come from? You wanted to write a post about something light and fluffy because things seem so dire everywhere and you’re feeling crushed under the weight of depression, anxiety, and the crushing power of social influence and responsibility, remember?

Oh, yes. That’s right.

So, let’s do that thing then!

Seems weird to do it after that introduction, yanno?

Well…I suppose it’s weird to some degree. But we can still do it anyway? 🤷‍♀️

Okie dokie. Knock, knock.

Ugh, really?

Yes, really! Please, just say the thing.

Fiiine… Who’s there?

How should I know? I wasn’t there to answer the door; you tell me.



**insert post title here**

When I can’t decide on a topic to write about, I’ll usually start writing whatever is on the forefront of my mind. The problem is that there are usually a multitude of topics being thunk through in my brain… so I’ll end up with a weird combo of subjects that don’t necessarily mesh very well.

Regardless, I’m going to write something. Get ready.

I smell (lol) something that is… vinegar-ish maybe? Almost like fermenting, though. Like apple cider vinegar, but alcoholic. I think? I don’t know what’s causing it, which is kinda annoying but there ya go.

In unrelated news, I have a pile of dishes with little bits of food that are rotting in little pools of water and stuffs.

Wait. You don’t think that… Mr. Roger’s wasn’t abducted by the Area 51 peeps, right? I mean, we don’t have proof that he wasn’t. Right? But why would they even want Mr. Rogers? Does he know something that we don’t know?

WOAH! I just remembered what I actually wanted to write about! 🙌 But I also forgot again as I was looking for that emoji which wasn’t really necessary. Aw, darn.

I’ll remember again later and probably write it out properly. We’ll see.

The mysterious odour.


I was at work one day as I often was at the time. Washing dishes, deep in thought. It was actually when I wrote these very words in my journal immediately after they popped into my head! I thought it was amazing. Now we’ll find out soon if it actually was. Or is.

So there I was; spray wand in one hand, dirty dish in the other. Which hand was which, I don’t recall—and as I said before, I wrote this all down the moment after it happened. Either way, it was probably right and left respectively.

But that’s not important. What’s important is that I was getting wet while washing dishes when I noticed a faint smell of… something. Something that I couldn’t categorize. It was like burning… gas, perhaps? No. More like rubber that had been out in the sunlight all day—like tires! But more like rubber tires that were made of hard-boiled eggs that have been left on the counter overnight.

I really couldn’t figure out the smell, and I couldn’t determine the source. I looked around and everything was normal. Seemingly normal.

So I did what I always do when I can’t figure out what caused something or there’s no apparent explanation; I blamed myself.

“Blamed” may not be quite the right word there, but… well, yeah. That’s accurate. Besides… I was used to my body emitting odd smells. And my body had been doing that a lot recently.

Again, “recently” was then when I wrote these very words and not now. Now my body doesn’t do that anymore. Now my body is fine. I’m fine. I’m normal. My smell is normal. I’m okay. At least… I hope that it is okay when I read this story to you—which is happening now and not then… but now. (Although, you might be reading this?)

So how could I know that I’m okay and normal and “odour neutral” now—in the future, which is now—the present—now, when I wrote this then and not now, when I’m actually saying this to you with my voice (maybe?) in the present? Well… best not think about that too much. Let’s just accept the fact that right now (the actual present, not then) I’m okay and everything—me—is/am normal.

So the smell… I assumed that came from me (that my body had emitted)…

**pause for dramatic effect**

Yanno, let’s talk about the word “emit”. That’s a really weird word, isn’t it?


Washing Dishes

Let me tell you something. Washing dishes is one of those activities that I hate and love at the same time.

Why I kinda like washing the dishes.

It doesn’t take too much thinking to accomplish this task, which is the biggest draw for me. I can listen to audio drama, or podcasts, or even watch Netflix while washing. A dishes dance party is also a really fun option! Although it’s also nice to just… think. It can be a great point of disconnect.

Why I mostly don’t like washing the dishes.

Washing the dishes is yucky!! I’m a bit of a germaphobe at times, and washing the dishes isn’t totally appealing to me. Once I get started, it’s not too bad most of the time. But sometimes, I just can’t handle it.

It’s quite frustrating since I’m a highly clean person. Like, I’m literally OCD about things. So some people say that I should enjoy cleaning! But I don’t. I like having things clean and organised, but the process of cleaning things isn’t always appealing. That’s not what the point is. The point is to have it be organised. That’s what I like (and sometimes need!).


Washing the dishes is not always fun for me. What’s kinda funny is that I’m about to wash some dishes. 😛

Note to self: Don’t wash the dishes so late at night. Go to bed! Do them first thing in the morning.


Pirate milk. It’s a thing.

I mentioned here once before that when I was younger, I started calling chocolate milk “pirate milk”. It was mostly because I’m silly like that, but also partly because our family ran a day home at the time, and the kids liked the name. Pirate milk because chocolate is like gold, and Pirates like gold, eh? Hence the name.

To my recollection, I haven’t heard anyone else call it pirate milk outside of my house. But I think that should change. So I’m calling on you, dear reader of my blog, to help start a revolution. Let’s get this thing rolling! Bring on the #PirateMilk!

I should see if that hashtag had been used previously.

Note to self: Google “pirate milk”. It might already be a thing.

Edit: Okay, so it turns out “pirate milk” is the name of a mix drink made with rum. Typical. Ah, well. I’ll still call chocolate milk “pirate milk”. And you should too!!

Note to self: It’s dangerous to search for pictures of chocolate milk. Do so with extreme caution!


Note to self…

Hey, Matthew. Just wanted to say hey and point out a few things.

Firstly, you should try putting more time and effort into this blog thing. Your posts are kinda… lacking.

Secondly, you have to do your laundry tomorrow. Please make sure you do it all! If you don’t, you won’t have clean stuff for the trip this weekend.

Oh, that reminds me. Please also ensure that you pack for the trip tomorrow!! You won’t really have time on Friday, so it must be completed tomorrow.

Thirdly… fourthly… I lost trackly, you should write an extra blog post and keep it on stand by in case you’re short on time during the trip. Yanno, so you don’t miss a day!

Also, you should go for a run tomorrow. Or a hike. Just, do something outside that involves a little more energy investment. It’ll do you some good!!

That’s all for now.

Hugs and squishes!


How about some corny jokes?

Everyone likes classic jokes that are kind of silly, corny, and obvious, right? Well regardless, here are some of those very things. You’re welcome.

Why didn’t the acrobat work during the winter?

He only did summersaults!

What’s a clock’s favourite spice?


Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs!

Why couldn’t the pirate recite the alphabet?

The pirate always got lost at “C”!

What happened to the overturned fruit truck?

It caused a big traffic jam!

Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

He was too far out, man!

What do you call a camel with no humps?


Why are you still reading this?

Go away!

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?

It was quite an oar deal!

What did the guy with amnesia say at the bar?

So, do I come here often?

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?


Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field!

Are we done with this yet?


Why didn’t the teddy bear ask for seconds?

It was stuffed!

What did the mermaid wear to math class?

An algae-bra!

Okay, now we’re really done.


Celebrating one week…with chocolate!

I just ate a few bites of my chocolate Easter bunny. Why? Because I was craving chocolate. But then I remembered that I hadn’t written today’s blog post AND that it has been one week since I started posting daily. That’s crazy! And the chocolate suddenly became somewhat celebratory for me. This is the first time that I’ve posted to a blog each day for a solid week. Yay for firsts!

Naturally, the rest of this post will be about feet. But first, can we just acknowledge the yumminess that is chocolate? Like, really. Who even thought of that? Actually, just a moment.

Okay, I’m back. I just visited an amazing place!!! Facts About Chocolate has so many facts about chocolate. It’s great! Liquid chocolate was the way to serve it back in the day. That sounds amazing! But back to who invented chocolate. The Olmec are believed to be the originators of chocolate, though we can’t be sure. After that, the Maya used cacao beans as currency and integrated liquid chocolate into much of their culture.

Note to self: Add “chocolate body paint” to the list of reasons to lick other people. That sounds fun!

Look. We all agree that chocolate is great. But have you ever tried a deep fried Mars bar? They’re amazing!! If you ever have the opportunity to try one or make it yourself, DO IT!

I’m sorry, this was supposed to be a post about feet. Let’s get back to that.

Feet are weird. They’re like hands with webbing between the fingers and knuckles that moved towards the end of each digit. (Also, the thumb fell off and another fat finger was grown to replace it.) We use feet to walk, to swim, to play sports, and push a door when our arms are full. Honestly, without feet, we’d be stuck. So I’m quite a big fan of feet! After all, I am six feet tall, which makes me a literal big fan of feet.

But seriously. Chocolate milk, am I right? In my family, we call it “pirate milk”. Why? Because it’s sought after like pirate gold, and it’s milk. Also because I started calling it that and the name stuck. (I was kind of a trendsetter in the family.) Now that I’m telling you, maybe it can become a thing. Pirate milk! You heard it here first. 🙂

Here’s a question. What if we mixed feet and chocolate? You could dip your feet into chocolate! Like putting your feet into mud except that it’s edible mud that’s really chocolate. Sounds fun and relaxing, right? Almost like a therapeutic treatment that you’d get at a fancy spa. “Chocolate foot dip with gold flakes.” This needs to be a thing!

So ends my daily dose of random writing. Thank you for your time and attention.

Also, a very happy birthday to Queen Victoria! Long live The Queen!


Haiku, can you?

Today I have decided to write some haiku for you. Yes, this is written especially for you! You’re welcome.

Haiku is a beautiful and complex form of artistic expression. The intention with this form of poetry is to express a vivid word picture highlighting a juxtaposition of elements using 17 syllables. I will be writing whatever comes to my mind.


The colour of joy
A banana that is ripe
Snow covered in pee


Floating in the sky
Falling over a cliffside
Filling a toilet


Raindrops from above
Hail hitting me on the head
Darn, another list


Coloured by iron
Always pumping through your veins
A snack for vampires


Haiku is a word
It could also be used to
greet someone named Ku


A Love Note

Every time I think of you, my heart skips a beat. My mouth waters and I long to press you to my lips. Your cheesiness and your orange colour always bring a smile to my face! I can’t wait until we meet again, macaroni and cheese.