Status

It’s happening… again.

Stomach pain! My stomach is hurting again.

What does this mean?

Well, I’ll tell you what it doesn’t mean; it doesn’t mean everything’s honky Dory, I’ll tell you that much for shizzle.

Note to self: Lookup “honky Dory”. Did I even use that term correctly?

Hopefully it’s only minor, but I have this gut feeling (HA!) that it’s maybe a little more serious than something I ate today. I didn’t even eat that much, which isn’t great either.

Hopefully your tummy is okie dokie!

M3

I’m a pendulum.

I’m a pendulum. And not in the fun way.

Note to self: Find out what the fun way is.

I keep going back and forth between okay and not okay, it’s getting really irritating. I can’t deal with things, but I have to. I’m really trying, but I… I just can’t. Being sick all the time gets really tiring. Being exhausted all the time is tiring. And as tired as I am, I still can’t sleep. I’m lying in bed for hours on end doing nothing until I finally fall asleep, but then I sleep all day and get nothing accomplished.

On top of that, I feel very little. Like, emotionally. It’s been like this for a while, but I think that it’s been amplified over the past few days. Last weekend was good, and I felt good. My spirit was up and I was extra optimistic and stuffs… But now I’m just numb and meh.

Like, I don’t get super pumped about things, or super sad either. Emotions are very short-lived and either weak or very strong. Yanno? I dunno.

It’s just… I want to be normal but I’m not. I know what will help and I know that it’s also partly beyond help. It will be what it will be to some degree and that can’t be changed. But I’ll try to do what I can. It’s incredibly difficult, but I’ll try.

And don’t give me any of that “there is no try, only do” nonsense. I mean, I get what you’re saying with that and I often agree with that sentiment, but I know I’m going to fail. It’s just a fact. I will do what I can, I will try to push forward, but I’m not going to be hard on myself because when I fail that just makes it worse. It’s not even failure, it’s more… not being able to do something (sometimes anything) because of physical and mental limitations. Yanno?

Anyway… I couldn’t sleep last night. I was awake in bed until 8-ish when I finally drifted off. Then I slept until 5-ish when the day is nearly done and there’s not a lot of time left before I have to do this all over again. I need to sleep at a decent hour later tonight so I’ve been focusing on non-intense self-care type things like eating, singing, reading, and stuffs. Although I’ve also been marathoning a TV show while doing that other stuff. It’s one of my top favourites of all time, Please Like Me. It’s a beautifully shot and very honest show that I just love and it’s so personally relevant. Freakishly relevant, actually.

Wow, I was just not expecting so much to come out so easily tonight. It’s just so weird that I’m writing so well when my mind and body feel absolutely like shit.

I need to do more to connect with people. I’m in a city of millions and I feel alone? I mean it makes sense, especially since I’m introverty and awkward and stuffs. But I’m also super outgoing and friendly, which makes it really weird. Though, the depression doesn’t help. I’m also incredibly self aware, which can be fabulous most times… but it can also present in a less productive way which really doesn’t help.

Haha, now I’m rambling. This is now essentially an externalization of my inner thoughts (Carlos [my phone] just tried to put “thighs” instead of “thoughts” there… well played, Carlos) which I’ll read back later and just go “huh…”, yanno?

Anyway, so life is hard but it’s especially hard right now. It’d be nice if my body and mind would be alright so I could focus on the larger things. It’s like the operating system isn’t working so I can’t even worry about getting Spotify running again let alone crank up the tunes because before you can run the app you have to have a device that works, yanno? Just a little bit of an analogy there for you.

It doesn’t help that it’s been raining the past couple of days. I mean, rain is lovely and all but I’ve been less inclined to go out because of it. Though, being honest here, I probably wouldn’t have left the house even if it were mostly sunny without water falling from above. I’m just unable to do things. It’s a miracle I made food and did some housework.

Anywhozzles, I’m gonna try to sleep here in a bit. I’ll probskis be unable to sleep because that’s just been what happens these days… but we’ll give it a go anyway. I’m already insane, trying again while expecting a different result won’t change that much. Haha!

Note to self: I know you spelled “pendulum” correctly, but it looks completely wrong. Just… I think that’s somehow important here for whatever reason and I wanted to point that out. Pendulum is a weird word. But really, all words are weird aren’t they? Also, you’ve written over 800 words now which is crazy.

Have a fantastic Friday, friends!

M3

Aside

Another write off.

This is gonna be one of those lame posts I make when I’m either too busy or too depressed to write something more thoughtful. Wanna guess which reason it is this time?

Yeah, I’m kinda back to feeling depressed. I should do something about that. Well, I have been trying, but that doesn’t mean it’s just gonna disappear.

I hope you’re doing well. 🙂

M3

Let’s do a check-in.

I set some goals at the beginning of the month for myself. Besides those four goals, I had some other big “to do” items, some of which I have completed! Others still need doing. But we’re here to check in on the four main goals for October. Let’s jump in!

1. Exercise and eat more regularly. — 6/10

I’ve probably mentioned that I’ve been quite depressed over the past few weeks. Because of that, I haven’t done too much eating. Exercise helps me feel better in some ways even on my sickest days, but unless I have good reason to get out of the house to move my body, the depression wins and I’ll just sit inside doing nothing.

Over the past few days, though, I’ve been feeling better overall. Mostly. Whatever the case, I’ve slowly been eating more each day. Which is good. I’ve also been moving a lot more. Today I even hiked nearly ten kilometers! (That’s 6.2-ish miles!) So I’m going to give myself a 6/10 for this goal.

2. No screens after 23:00. — 4/10

Part of the reason I’ve not been doing well is because I’ve been lacking sleep. Every night I get into bed, start having a panic attack, and lie awake for hours. I was trying to do things not involving a screen to distract myself… but that isn’t what’s happened. Many nights I’ve listened to audio drama to help me get to sleep, but other nights I stay up watching Netflix or whatever.

However… the past few nights I’ve been doing much better. So for now I’m giving myself a 4/10.

3. Refocus on creating. — 2/10

It’s hard to judge this one because I’m unable to be as creative when depressed. Writing blog posts has been a struggle even with my list of prompts and stuffs. I’ve taken some steps to make my environment more conducive for physically being creative (like painting or making paper art), but I haven’t done much.

It might sound harsh, but since I haven’t been very creative, I’m giving myself a 2/10.

4. Focus on friends. — 8/10

While my sister was out of town for a week, one of my close friends made it a point to call me a few times to chat. On top of that, I’ve reconnected with another friend a bit more. Annnnd I’ve been a little more involved with the nerd group at the nerd cafe! I haven’t really been in the mood to make new friends, but I’ve still tried (and succeeded!) to do that regardless.

I’ve kinda been introverty recently, but I’ve done well with this goal. I’m giving myself an 8/10.


That’s about it for now. I’ve been reminding myself of these goals fairly regularly but I haven’t been able to push myself much until this week. Now that I’m feeling a bit better, I’ve been able to do more. I’ve gotten rid of some stress, brought back some old tools for my anxiety, and tried to focus on the basics for my health.

I can only do so much at one time, and while right now I’m not able to do much beyond focus on my health, I have to fight the urge to take on more than I can handle.

Note to self and others: Keep up the good work!

M3

Status

It’s over.

Soooo… I’ve dumped PayPal officially. We’re over. I’ve changed my status and everything.

PayPal hasn’t stepped up at all, but now that they’re unable to mess with finances again, I kinda don’t care. It’s more trouble than it’s worth. (Well… yeah, let’s just go with that, Matthew.)

There are a few loose ends to tie up, but the main issue has been rectified. Huge thanks to my friend Tony back in Smith!! He was amazingly helpful, especially today.

It’s up and up from here on out, friends! Let’s maintain course!

Btdubs, if you’re in Canada, I highly recommend that you don’t use PayPal.

M3

Quote

The purpose of a giant fibreglass hand.

Community. One of my all-time favourite television shows!

In the sixth season there’s an episode that stands out to me. That whole season is fantastic, but in the sixth episode the Save Greendale Committee is transporting a giant fibreglass hand to sell after the dean bought it on an impulse. Their vehicle breaks down along the way and the group descends into chaos. Eventually Abed says something about the situation in a short speech to save the day.

I found the speech to be quite profound and uplifting. While it carries specific meaning for the show as a whole, it’s also quite applicable to life as well.

Yes, I know… A giant hand being transported by seven people in an RV… The show’s weird. But that’s why it’s such a favourite of mine! Whatever the case, here’s the full speech:

I have discovered the meaning of the giant hand.

A hand has two functions; to grip and to release. But without both of these powers it is useless. Like newborn infants we grab what comes near us. Hoping to control it, taste it, jam it into another child’s eye.

But the time we spend in control of our world is the time we spend letting go of others. Ideas, stories, pride, girls in soft sweaters, video games, buttered noodles… Grip one for too long and you lose so much that you’ve never held.

This giant hand was sent to all of us as an invitation to increase our mastery over the power to hold on.

And let go.

—Abed Nadir, Community

Here’s a clip from the show with Abed making that speech.

And that’s all she wrote. For now.

M3

Today was the best.

The past several weeks have been quite difficult for me, but with that difficulty have come some amazing and uplifting moments. Today I got a heaping dose of good energy, positivity, and new connections.

I stumbled upon an Instagram account earlier this summer for the Invisible Conditions Conference which was focusing on IBD. Today I got to attend that event and it was just amazing. I’m so very appreciative for the event and all the people that I got to meet there. It was amazing to connect with so many people that fully understood what I’m going through with my disease.

Itwas incredibly uplifting and just what I needed right now. The timing was great and I’m so thankful!

I got to have a deeper conversation with one of the organizers after the event wrapped up which was quite beneficial for my adapting to life in Vancouver. He was kind enough to listen to me and chat about various topics and ended up giving me some excellent advice that I’m going to follow up on.

You know, one of the most amazing things a person can do for another person is to just listen. That can be such a gift. This person did that for me today. I really appreciate it.

After that, I walked through the rain for a bit, which was kinda enjoyable, then went to work the closing shift at the coffee house with a co-worker I’d never worked with before. She and I got along swimmingly and we chatted away while cleaning up and stuff. It was a great end to the day.

Overall, I’m just incredibly blessed, thankful, and hopeful. Today was amazing.

I hope that you also had a great day! Whether you did or didn’t, tell me about it! I’d love to hear/read what you’re up to! 😄

M3