Category: Comedy

The mysterious odour.

21812.15.7

I was at work one day as I often was at the time. Washing dishes, deep in thought. It was actually when I wrote these very words in my journal immediately after they popped into my head! I thought it was amazing. Now we’ll find out soon if it actually was. Or is.

So there I was; spray wand in one hand, dirty dish in the other. Which hand was which, I don’t recall—and as I said before, I wrote this all down the moment after it happened. Either way, it was probably right and left respectively.

But that’s not important. What’s important is that I was getting wet while washing dishes when I noticed a faint smell of… something. Something that I couldn’t categorize. It was like burning… gas, perhaps? No. More like rubber that had been out in the sunlight all day—like tires! But more like rubber tires that were made of hard-boiled eggs that have been left on the counter overnight.

I really couldn’t figure out the smell, and I couldn’t determine the source. I looked around and everything was normal. Seemingly normal.

So I did what I always do when I can’t figure out what caused something or there’s no apparent explanation; I blamed myself.

“Blamed” may not be quite the right word there, but… well, yeah. That’s accurate. Besides… I was used to my body emitting odd smells. And my body had been doing that a lot recently.

Again, “recently” was then when I wrote these very words and not now. Now my body doesn’t do that anymore. Now my body is fine. I’m fine. I’m normal. My smell is normal. I’m okay. At least… I hope that it is okay when I read this story to you—which is happening now and not then… but now. (Although, you might be reading this?)

So how could I know that I’m okay and normal and “odour neutral” now—in the future, which is now—the present—now, when I wrote this then and not now, when I’m actually saying this to you with my voice (maybe?) in the present? Well… best not think about that too much. Let’s just accept the fact that right now (the actual present, not then) I’m okay and everything—me—is/am normal.

So the smell… I assumed that came from me (that my body had emitted)…

**pause for dramatic effect**

Yanno, let’s talk about the word “emit”. That’s a really weird word, isn’t it?

~fin~

Some jokes, tweets, and poems.

Some jokes!

What is it called when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale.

How do you put a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket.

Knock-Knock Jokes

The person who invented knock-knock jokes deserves a “no-bell” prize.

What did the grape say when it was squeezed?

Nothing. It just gave out a little wine.

What did the house wear to the party?

Address.

Frog parking only!

All others will be toad.

I walk Five Miles every day.

My dog’s name is Five Miles.

I told a chemistry joke once.

I got no reaction.

Some tweets!

The best use of pie charts to date, IMO:

Funny how things like this start and stick:

Glad that got figured out:

This is totally me:

Some poems!

To be, or not to be: a parody

2-B or not 2-B, that is the question…that the pizza delivery person is pondering.

Alrighty, so I only have one poem and it’s not very good. Deal with it.

M3

Section/Article 22b.

Welcome! Bienvenue! This post will be in compliance with section 22b of the Official Languages Act of Canada. Cette publication sera conforme à l’article 22b de la Loi sur les langues officielles du Canada.

And yes, I am using Google Translate to assist me, though I’m trying to use my French skillz. So please forgive any mistakes I make with the French parts. Et oui, j’utilise Google Translate pour m’aider, même si j’essaie d’utiliser mes compétencez en français. Pardonnez toutes les erreurs que je fais avec la partie française.

Maybe I’ll mistake makes some in English too so it’s fairer? Sounds legit to me! Peut-être que je dérangerai également les pièces anglaises pour que cela soit juste? Me semble légitime!

Last night it started raining and the temperature plummeted, which means that I’ve been moving slower than frozen maple syrup all day. I think that it also affected my tummy because it wasn’t feeling well either. La nuit dernière, il a commencé à pleuvoir et la température a chuté, ce qui signifie que je me déplaçais plus lentement que le sirop d’érable congelé toute la journée. Je pense que cela a également affecté mon ventre car il ne se sent pas bien non plus.

Also, you should watch this. De même, vous devriez regarder cela.

Fun, no? Amusant, non? 😅

Okay, okay… I’m done with the French translations now. D’accord, j’ai fini de m’amuser en traduisant mes mots en français.

Thank you for putting up with me. Merci de votre attention.

À la prochaine, my friends!

M3

A song.

99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall.

98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall.

97 bottles of beer on the wall, 97 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 96 bottles of beer on the wall.

96 bottles of beer on the wall, 96 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 95 bottles of beer on the wall.

95 bottles of beer on the wall, 95 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 94 bottles of beer on the wall.

94 bottles of beer on the wall, 94 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 93 bottles of beer on the wall.

93 bottles of beer on the wall, 93 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 92 bottles of beer on the wall.

92 bottles of beer on the wall, 92 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 91 bottles of beer on the wall.

91 bottles of beer on the wall, 91 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 90 bottles of beer on the wall.

90 bottles of beer on the wall, 90 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 89 bottles of beer on the wall.

89 bottles of beer on the wall, 89 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 88 bottles of beer on the wall.

88 bottles of beer on the wall, 88 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 87 bottles of beer on the wall.

87 bottles of beer on the wall, 87 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 86 bottles of beer on the wall.

86 bottles of beer on the wall, 86 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 85 bottles of beer on the wall.

85 bottles of beer on the wall, 85 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 84 bottles of beer on the wall.

84 bottles of beer on the wall, 84 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 83 bottles of beer on the wall.

83 bottles of beer on the wall, 83 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 82 bottles of beer on the wall.

82 bottles of beer on the wall, 82 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 81 bottles of beer on the wall.

81 bottles of beer on the wall, 81 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 80 bottles of beer on the wall.

80 bottles of beer on the wall, 80 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 79 bottles of beer on the wall.

79 bottles of beer on the wall, 79 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 78 bottles of beer on the wall.

78 bottles of beer on the wall, 78 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 77 bottles of beer on the wall.

77 bottles of beer on the wall, 77 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 76 bottles of beer on the wall.

76 bottles of beer on the wall, 76 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 75 bottles of beer on the wall.

75 bottles of beer on the wall, 75 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 74 bottles of beer on the wall.

74 bottles of beer on the wall, 74 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 73 bottles of beer on the wall.

73 bottles of beer on the wall, 73 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 72 bottles of beer on the wall.

72 bottles of beer on the wall, 72 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 71 bottles of beer on the wall.

71 bottles of beer on the wall, 71 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 70 bottles of beer on the wall.

70 bottles of beer on the wall, 70 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 69 bottles of beer on the wall.

69 bottles of beer on the wall, 69 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 68 bottles of beer on the wall.

68 bottles of beer on the wall, 68 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 67 bottles of beer on the wall.

67 bottles of beer on the wall, 67 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 66 bottles of beer on the wall.

66 bottles of beer on the wall, 66 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 65 bottles of beer on the wall.

65 bottles of beer on the wall, 65 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 64 bottles of beer on the wall.

64 bottles of beer on the wall, 64 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 63 bottles of beer on the wall.

63 bottles of beer on the wall, 63 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 62 bottles of beer on the wall.

62 bottles of beer on the wall, 62 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 61 bottles of beer on the wall.

61 bottles of beer on the wall, 61 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 60 bottles of beer on the wall.

60 bottles of beer on the wall, 60 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 59 bottles of beer on the wall.

59 bottles of beer on the wall, 59 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 58 bottles of beer on the wall.

58 bottles of beer on the wall, 58 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 57 bottles of beer on the wall.

57 bottles of beer on the wall, 57 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 56 bottles of beer on the wall.

56 bottles of beer on the wall, 56 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 55 bottles of beer on the wall.

55 bottles of beer on the wall, 55 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 54 bottles of beer on the wall.

54 bottles of beer on the wall, 54 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 53 bottles of beer on the wall.

53 bottles of beer on the wall, 53 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 52 bottles of beer on the wall.

52 bottles of beer on the wall, 52 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 51 bottles of beer on the wall.

51 bottles of beer on the wall, 51 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 50 bottles of beer on the wall.

50 bottles of beer on the wall, 50 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 49 bottles of beer on the wall.

49 bottles of beer on the wall, 49 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 48 bottles of beer on the wall.

48 bottles of beer on the wall, 48 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 47 bottles of beer on the wall.

47 bottles of beer on the wall, 47 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 46 bottles of beer on the wall.

46 bottles of beer on the wall, 46 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 45 bottles of beer on the wall.

45 bottles of beer on the wall, 45 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 44 bottles of beer on the wall.

44 bottles of beer on the wall, 44 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 43 bottles of beer on the wall.

43 bottles of beer on the wall, 43 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 42 bottles of beer on the wall.

42 bottles of beer on the wall, 42 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 41 bottles of beer on the wall.

41 bottles of beer on the wall, 41 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 40 bottles of beer on the wall.

40 bottles of beer on the wall, 40 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 39 bottles of beer on the wall.

39 bottles of beer on the wall, 39 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 38 bottles of beer on the wall.

38 bottles of beer on the wall, 38 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 37 bottles of beer on the wall.

37 bottles of beer on the wall, 37 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 36 bottles of beer on the wall.

36 bottles of beer on the wall, 36 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 35 bottles of beer on the wall.

35 bottles of beer on the wall, 35 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 34 bottles of beer on the wall.

34 bottles of beer on the wall, 34 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 33 bottles of beer on the wall.

33 bottles of beer on the wall, 33 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 32 bottles of beer on the wall.

32 bottles of beer on the wall, 32 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 31 bottles of beer on the wall.

31 bottles of beer on the wall, 31 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 30 bottles of beer on the wall.

30 bottles of beer on the wall, 30 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 29 bottles of beer on the wall.

29 bottles of beer on the wall, 29 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 28 bottles of beer on the wall.

28 bottles of beer on the wall, 28 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 27 bottles of beer on the wall.

27 bottles of beer on the wall, 27 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 26 bottles of beer on the wall.

26 bottles of beer on the wall, 26 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 25 bottles of beer on the wall.

25 bottles of beer on the wall, 25 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 24 bottles of beer on the wall.

24 bottles of beer on the wall, 24 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 23 bottles of beer on the wall.

23 bottles of beer on the wall, 23 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 22 bottles of beer on the wall.

22 bottles of beer on the wall, 22 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 21 bottles of beer on the wall.

21 bottles of beer on the wall, 21 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 20 bottles of beer on the wall.

20 bottles of beer on the wall, 20 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 19 bottles of beer on the wall.

19 bottles of beer on the wall, 19 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 18 bottles of beer on the wall.

18 bottles of beer on the wall, 18 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 17 bottles of beer on the wall.

17 bottles of beer on the wall, 17 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 16 bottles of beer on the wall.

16 bottles of beer on the wall, 16 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 15 bottles of beer on the wall.

15 bottles of beer on the wall, 15 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 14 bottles of beer on the wall.

14 bottles of beer on the wall, 14 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 13 bottles of beer on the wall.

13 bottles of beer on the wall, 13 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 12 bottles of beer on the wall.

12 bottles of beer on the wall, 12 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 11 bottles of beer on the wall.

11 bottles of beer on the wall, 11 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 10 bottles of beer on the wall.

10 bottles of beer on the wall, 10 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 9 bottles of beer on the wall.

9 bottles of beer on the wall, 9 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 8 bottles of beer on the wall.

8 bottles of beer on the wall, 8 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 7 bottles of beer on the wall.

7 bottles of beer on the wall, 7 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 6 bottles of beer on the wall.

6 bottles of beer on the wall, 6 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 5 bottles of beer on the wall.

5 bottles of beer on the wall, 5 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 4 bottles of beer on the wall.

4 bottles of beer on the wall, 4 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 3 bottles of beer on the wall.

3 bottles of beer on the wall, 3 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 2 bottles of beer on the wall.

2 bottles of beer on the wall, 2 bottles of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, 1 bottle of beer on the wall.

1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer.
Take one down and pass it around, no more bottles of beer on the wall.

No more bottles of beer on the wall, no more bottles of beer.
Go to the store and buy some more, 99 bottles of beer on the wall.

Yanno, I sometimes wonder what exactly *is* the hokey pokey, yanno? Then it hits me that that isn’t a noun; it’s an adjective and a noun. And that always blows my mind. It’s like… a pokey that is hokey. Not just the hokey pokey, but a hokey pokey, right? It really makes you think.

And then you start wondering, “what’s up with Matthew? He seems off somehow…” Well, I can’t say that I’m not off. But seeing that I am awake right now, I don’t see how I could be off? Does that make sense? Maybe not, but I don’t think that I’m off. I’m very on right now. Very, very on.

What would that even be like? If every light in the universe turned off, what would happen? Obviously it’d be dark, but all the dairy would turn into ice cream because of the cold temperatures. Cows would be the new ice cream machines, which is good for the ice cream stores. But if every light went out, then nobody would want ice cream because most people have ice cream on hot sunny days. So maybe we don’t want that to happen.

But wouldn’t it be cool to have a cow that gives ice cream? I’d love to have one of those. You could get the ice cream in a bowl then add flavour syrups and little bits of fruit or whatnot. Maybe some berries that you picked off of a bush while walking home from your pretty good job across the bridge. Or if you’re feeling especially sweet and Canadian, you could drizzle maple syrup over the ice cream. Mmmm… YUMMERS!!

Wait. I was imagining the ice cream would be a plain “vanilla” when it came out of the cow, because that seems normal and plain. But it would actually most likely not be flavoured at all, just… frozen cow’s milk. That’s it. Would that make it homo, though? I don’t know. What even is homo milk? Milk that likes other milk? That can’t be right, milk isn’t able to feel. It’s milk.

Matthew, you need to chill.

Oh, man!!! Chili! I haven’t had chili in a long time!! Goodness gravious, I need to make chili now. Doing it! I’m gonna add it to the list of weekend shenanigans, right after Naruto running on the seawall and walking like a zombie with a horde of zombies. YAY! My weekend is now booked. 😁

Have a super duper Friday, everyone! Don’t forget to hug a tree and smell the fire hoses!

M3

I have toes.

Guess what!! I have toes on both of my feet. I know, I know, it sounds completely ridiculous. But trust me! I have toes. Ten of them in total, which I’ve found to be a good number. Not too many, and not too few.

I even wrote a short poem inspired by my toes!

On the ends of my feet,
I have ten toes.

On the front of my face,
I keep a nose.

Dance around,
Wiggle my bum.

Count to ten,
And now I’m done.

😁

M3

Smelly Tuna (Hallelujah parody)

Well I opened the fridge and I started to
Bake a pie ’cause you asked for food
But you don’t like pie as much as tuna, do you?
Well it goes like this: the bread, the spread
The Mayo thick and the pepper red
The awful decomposing smelly tuna

Smelly tuna [x4]

I left it out earlier that day
It was piled high on a silver tray
Its beauty in the sunlight overthrew you
You sat down in your kitchen chair
You couldn’t help and you didn’t care
And to your lips you pressed the smelly tuna

Smelly tuna [x4]

Several months ago, I started singing the words “smelly tuna” to the tune of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah. I don’t recall exactly why, but it was probably mostly because the syllables fit. A few days later I rewrote the entire song to tell the story of tuna being left out and decomposing. It was a lot of fun!

Today I got the hook stuck in my head and I decided to look for my rewrite so I could share it with you! Buuuuut I haven’t been able to find it and I doubt it’s even here with me in Vancouver, because I think I actually wrote it out with pen and paper. So I tried to recreate it.

I’m not as happy with this version. Oh well! I still find it very funny! 😄 I’ll probably keep working on it.

M3