Where to start?

I sometimes have high expectations for myself.

🤨

Okay… very high expectations.

😑

Yes, yes. I often have unrealistically high expectations for myself.

This blog is one of those things. Even though I don’t end up putting too much effort into what I write on here (most things end up being silly and totally great!), I do tend to let my high expectations prevent me from just writing.

It’s annoying and I don’t like it. I find that it gets in the way of many things and leads to my low-key freaking out or nearly breaking down because I’m not good enough. Or, at the very least, the things I do aren’t good enough.

Question to self: What even is this “good enough”? Good enough for what? For whom? And why?

Even now, as my partner read what I wrote so far, I’m feeling like this post won’t be that good either. I mean, it’s probably because I don’t have a point to make… I started this post as I often do; not knowing what I’m going to type.

Maybe it’s all part of imposter syndrome? Or maybe since I’m generally good at doing a lot of things, I fear that I’ll not do a great job, so instead of doing my best and having it possibly fail, I either intentionally fail and laugh it off as a joke, or I stress about it and worry that whatever I’m doing won’t be good enough.

But again… good enough for what? What standard do I need to meet? Why can’t I just not be worried about this?!?!

Man, I need to chill.

Anyway…

I actually intended to give you an update about my life over the past several months. Let’s do that instead!

Sooo… where to start?

I’m tempted to start at the very beginning… 🎶 A very good place to start! 🎶 etc, etc

Over the past couple of weeks, I was actually surprised with very unexpected visits from three people! One of my aunts was in town and texted me two Fridays ago… and then last Friday my sister came home and we dragged her bags down to the ferry… and also last Friday one of my bestest friends from my home town texted me and we had a wonderful evening with each other and our partners! I hadn’t seen her in almost TWO YEARS!!! It’s crazy!

It’s been quite the time, let me tell you… 😸 and quite the boost for my spirit!

Other than that… I left my position at my cafe, which is really exciting and good for my overall health. (I was going crazy over there!) I kinda miss that place and making drinks for the regular customers, but I don’t miss being in charge and having to deal with all of the manager-type junk by myself.

The one downside is that I should probably start working somewhere else fairly soon. I’ve already applied at IKEA (HA!) and a few other places, but I have no clue what I’ll be doing. It’s an adventure!

Spring is definitely here and summer is speeding towards us! (Us being Vancouver and the surrounding area.) I’m so happy to see life coming back in my surroundings along with the warmer weather. It makes getting outside more pleasant and brings the opportunity for more outdoor activities, such as kayaking, hiking, geocaching, and spraying smokers with water! Can’t wait!

I also have renewed creative juices flowing and new inspiration for projects that I want to work on! I’m really excited about them all, and I can’t wait to share them with the world! It will take some time before I can do that, and I’ll also need to buy some new equipment, but I really want to do more projects. I need to do more projects. I need that outlet.

And after all of that rambling I hope that you’re not left feeling confuzzled and dazed. That’s all for now, so I’ll say bye bye.

See ya later, friends! 👋

Beauty and the Beast

Okay, so until today I hadn’t watched the new Beauty and the Beast.

I know, I know… What’s wrong with me? I hear you.

It’s just one of those things that I was putting off until later. Steven suggested that we watch it together when he found that out. So tonight I finally watched it!

I was pleasantly surprised to find out that they had kept the original songs and added in some new ones! I found it to be a nice balance. And it was kinda weird because I haven’t seen the animated version in years yet this one brought back all of the memories. It was so we’ll done!

And Emma Watson was great, as always!

M3

I had an idea for a blog post.

But then I forgot what it was when I got home. I remember that it was a fairly heavy subject, though.

Oh, wait! I remember! The idea had something to do with the whole social…. thing against suicide, right? But the people who are struggling with that don’t get taken seriously until they reach that big breaking point. And even then, they only get support during their lowest point when things appear bad. But where’s the support and everything when things appear to be okie dokie, but it actually isn’t, yanno?

That seems like an awful big thing to write about so late at night when my brain isn’t in the mood to type type typity type.

I get distracted easily some—

M3

You can brag.

You can totally brag about yourself! Why? Because you’re an amazing person. You have value! You have amazing talents and skills, so why can’t you brag about yourself?

Because we’re conditioned not to. We can accept praise from other people, but we’re trained not to accept praise from ourselves.

If I held up a pencil, told you its name is Steve, then cracked it in half, part of you would feel super sad. Why? Because humans can extend feeling and emotion even to inanimate objects.

So if Steve is worth it, then you’re worth it. Show yourself some love! Be proud! Own you because you’re the best you there is!

Let the world know that you’re amazing!

Tell me something amazing about yourself in the comments! Brag about yourself!

M3

¿dn sᴉ ʎɐʍ ɥɔᴉɥM

ƐW

˙ɹǝʇɐl dn sᴉ ʎɐʍ ɥɔᴉɥʍ ʇno ǝɹnƃᴉɟ ll,I

˙uo ƃuᴉƃƃnɥɔ dǝǝʞ ɐuuoƃ ɯ,I uǝɥʇ lᴉʇun ʇnq ‘uoos uʍop ǝlʇʇǝs sƃuᴉɥʇ ʎllnɟǝdoH ˙ʇᴉ ƃuᴉop ɯ,I ʇnq ˙ɥʇᴉʍ lɐǝp oʇ pɹɐɥ s,ʇᴉ ˙˙˙ɔʇǝ ɔʇǝ ‘ɐᴉuɯosuᴉ ǝɥʇ ‘ssǝupǝɹᴉʇ sᴉɥʇ ɟo llɐ ‘uᴉɐd ɥɔɐɯoʇs sᴉɥʇ ll∀ ˙ɯlɐɔ ǝɹoɯ ǝlʇʇᴉl ɐ ǝɹǝʍ ǝɟᴉl ʎɯ ɟᴉ ǝɔᴉu ǝq plnoʍ ʇᴉ ʇnq ˙ʇsɹᴉɟ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ oʇ ǝɯɐɔ ʇɐɥʍ ƃuᴉʇᴉɹʍ ʇsnſ ˙ǝnlɔ ou ǝʌɐɥ I ¿ʇnoqɐ ƃuᴉʞlɐʇ I ɯɐ ʇɐɥM

¿ʇᴉq ǝlʇʇᴉl ɐ xɐlǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ os uʍop ǝlʇʇǝs oʇ ƃuᴉɥʇʎuɐ—ƃuᴉɥʇǝɯos ʇuɐʍ noʎ puɐ ɹᴉɐ ǝɥʇ uᴉ dn llɐ sᴉ ƃuᴉɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ ǝʞᴉl lǝǝɟ ɹǝʌǝ noʎ op

I have a plan!

Actually, no I don’t! And that’s okie dokie.

Or is it?

I’ve often wondered if I should have a plan for my life. Looking at other kids as I fumbled through my teen years, I wondered how they could have such direction for where they were headed. When asked, “what are you gonna do when you grow up?” they had a response all lined up. Whereas I did not. And while that didn’t usually bother me, there were times in which it did.

Don’t get me wrong, there were times I declared I was going to become a veterinarian, a teacher, a mad scientist, or what have you. But I’m talking about actually putting those ideas into a plan that would eventually be put into action. I didn’t really do that. Well… I didn’t really do that deliberately (and with great malice of forethought 😜).

I was, and still am, a tinkerer. Someone who takes something apart to learn how it works, puts it back together, and eventually builds off of what was learned from the experience. I did this especially with computers and, more specifically, the internet. Eventually, this led me to become a freelance web developer. That wasn’t a conscious plan that I had devised, it just happened.

Also, while I didn’t haven’t yet become a school teacher as I declared as a kid, I did end up teaching in other capacities. I was a music tutor, paddling instructor, and even ran workshops/programming while employed as a librarian. The desire to learn and then share that knowledge, as a teacher does, stuck with me and it ended up naturally influencing my trajectory in life. So while there wasn’t a plan per se, there was an underlying driving force. Yanno?

So you don’t always need a plan, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plan at all. Right? I honestly don’t know. Though, I do think that’s mostly true. Life is the great unknown. We don’t know what’s going to happen in the future and even the best-laid plans are subject to change. Sometimes you don’t have a plan, but you do have a goal—something that you strive for. I think goals are kind of the building blocks of a plan, though. Think about it; if you have a goal, you’re going to keep adapting your plans so that you can realise that goal. The plans change, but the goal doesn’t. But without the goal, you wouldn’t have something around which to plan.

Do I have a point to all of this? Not really. I’m just thinking out loud.

At this point in my life, I have no clue what’s next in the bigger picture. I have some short-term goals and a few long-term goals with very few solid plans. Things keep changing (yet remain the same, somehow) making it hard to lock-in anything. But I keep moving forward! Sometimes less boldly than I’d like, but that’s just the way things are right now. Things will happen. Things are happening. But without a plan, I’m not entirely sure what’s happening.

We’ll have to wait and see.

Enjoy the ride!!

M3

Four ways to help a struggling friend.

It’s frustrating dealing with mental health issues including depression and whatnot. Not many people understand it and fewer people know what to do about it. People want to help, but their either too far away or don’t know what to do.

There’s a lot that can be done for those struggling with mental health. I don’t have all the answers, and it can be different from person to person, but here’s some ideas I’ve had.

1. Listen

This can be the hardest thing to do. When you want to help someone through a situation, you feel like you have to actually do something. Something complicated or involved. Maybe you need training or a book with steps on what to do. But often times, the most effective help you can offer is a sympathetic ear.

Take time to listen, really listen. Ask questions. You’re not going to understand everything, but that’s okay. Show concern, empathy, and just listen. It doesn’t feel like you’re doing much, but time spent listening can be the most valuable thing in the world. People want to know they’re valued and being heard—listening is one way to show that.

2. Be There

Sometimes a person having a hard time just needs a presence nearby. Maybe that’s a friend watching Stranger Things 2 with them or simply sharing the same room. You don’t need to actively engage with each other but they need someone around them. Whether there’s talking, eating, or silence, having someone that cares nearby can be comforting and reassuring.

3. Gently Shift Focus

Depression, anxiety, and other related mental challenges can be all-consuming. Sometimes the person dealing with these issues can’t see anything that’s right in front of them. Or perhaps they can’t do things for themselves. Whatever the case, sometimes they need someone to step in and redirect their attention.

One way to accomplish this would be to suggest a simple activity like taking a walk down the street. It may seem insignificant, but a change in scenery with some fresh air and scenery really help to clear their mindset a bit. The problem is that a depressive might not be able to do this themselves; they need another person to gently push them to get out. Someone to be there to hold their hand.

4. Encourage Creativity

Engaging the mind in creative activities is therapeutic. It centers your attention on a single task, gives an outlet for emotional expression, and helps to organize thoughts. These are all beneficial for a depressive.

Suggest activities such as colouring, drawing, painting, cooking, looking at clouds, knitting, making music, writing, brainstorm movie ideas, sculpt clay, build a cardboard town, draw tattoos with markers, put together outfits, etc. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece or anything complex, and you might have to lead by example, but make sure that it’s a stress-free outlet for creative expression.


I don’t know if this is making sense. It’s late and I’m not good at explaining things right now. I just… I wanted to share some simple ways to help those around you. Even if your friends aren’t depressed or dealing with mental health issues, these are good ways to be a better friend. Everybody needs help and encouragement. Listening, being there, and sharing activities are good no matter what. And for those who are struggling, these simple acts can make a world of difference.

M3

Am I being lazy?

Am I just being lazy?

Short answer: yes and no.

Well thanks, Matthew! That really clears it up. I don’t even know what you’re talking about and you’ve given me both possible answers as the tldr; answer. Yay!

Sometimes I feel like I’m just being lazy and using my Crohn’s, depression, or anxiety as a poor excuse to get away with it. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that I feel like other people think that of me. Yanno? The reality is probably a mix of those two things or something else completely, who knows.

Whatever the case, it reminds me of imposter syndrome. I struggle with that a bit in certain areas of my life but I try to keep it at bay. I’m sure that a lot of people with chronic illnesses struggle with this issue. When you’re unable to do things for days, weeks, or even months on end you start to think that you’re choosing to be like this.

My body really can’t deal with much these days, but on certain days I’m able to push through and get more accomplished. It depends on what I’m doing, how I’m feeling, if I have support, and if I’ll have time to recover afterwards, but I am capable. I know that, and I think that’s what starts me thinking that I’m choosing to be lazy. And yes, I am choosing to take care of myself a lot. Sometimes I’m not doing the best thing for self care—staying in bed for extended periods without any movement isn’t always self-care even if it feels like it is. I mean it can be… but it depends.

A friend of mine wrote a bit about this before and it got me thinking about the issue, doing some research, and evaluating my behavior. Yes, I need to focus on my health first because without that, I cannot function at all. Like… at all. So it’s perfectly alright to be slacking on some things or missing out on events that I could attend but decide not to. That’s all okay. But when I’m spending time on self care, I need to make sure that, on top of relaxing and letting my body do what it needs to, I’m actually doing things for self care. Otherwise… yes, I’m kind of being lazy even though I’m actually not able to do things.

Anyway… this is something that I think about from time to time. I’m found some articles and blog posts that I want to read and reflect on since I started writing this post. Maybe I’ll get more insight and be able to speak more intelligently about it. Until then you have to put up with whatever nonsense I decide to post.

Beep beep boop!

I hope you’re enjoying the weekend, everyone!

M3

I’m a pendulum.

I’m a pendulum. And not in the fun way.

Note to self: Find out what the fun way is.

I keep going back and forth between okay and not okay, it’s getting really irritating. I can’t deal with things, but I have to. I’m really trying, but I… I just can’t. Being sick all the time gets really tiring. Being exhausted all the time is tiring. And as tired as I am, I still can’t sleep. I’m lying in bed for hours on end doing nothing until I finally fall asleep, but then I sleep all day and get nothing accomplished.

On top of that, I feel very little. Like, emotionally. It’s been like this for a while, but I think that it’s been amplified over the past few days. Last weekend was good, and I felt good. My spirit was up and I was extra optimistic and stuffs… But now I’m just numb and meh.

Like, I don’t get super pumped about things, or super sad either. Emotions are very short-lived and either weak or very strong. Yanno? I dunno.

It’s just… I want to be normal but I’m not. I know what will help and I know that it’s also partly beyond help. It will be what it will be to some degree and that can’t be changed. But I’ll try to do what I can. It’s incredibly difficult, but I’ll try.

And don’t give me any of that “there is no try, only do” nonsense. I mean, I get what you’re saying with that and I often agree with that sentiment, but I know I’m going to fail. It’s just a fact. I will do what I can, I will try to push forward, but I’m not going to be hard on myself because when I fail that just makes it worse. It’s not even failure, it’s more… not being able to do something (sometimes anything) because of physical and mental limitations. Yanno?

Anyway… I couldn’t sleep last night. I was awake in bed until 8-ish when I finally drifted off. Then I slept until 5-ish when the day is nearly done and there’s not a lot of time left before I have to do this all over again. I need to sleep at a decent hour later tonight so I’ve been focusing on non-intense self-care type things like eating, singing, reading, and stuffs. Although I’ve also been marathoning a TV show while doing that other stuff. It’s one of my top favourites of all time, Please Like Me. It’s a beautifully shot and very honest show that I just love and it’s so personally relevant. Freakishly relevant, actually.

Wow, I was just not expecting so much to come out so easily tonight. It’s just so weird that I’m writing so well when my mind and body feel absolutely like shit.

I need to do more to connect with people. I’m in a city of millions and I feel alone? I mean it makes sense, especially since I’m introverty and awkward and stuffs. But I’m also super outgoing and friendly, which makes it really weird. Though, the depression doesn’t help. I’m also incredibly self aware, which can be fabulous most times… but it can also present in a less productive way which really doesn’t help.

Haha, now I’m rambling. This is now essentially an externalization of my inner thoughts (Carlos [my phone] just tried to put “thighs” instead of “thoughts” there… well played, Carlos) which I’ll read back later and just go “huh…”, yanno?

Anyway, so life is hard but it’s especially hard right now. It’d be nice if my body and mind would be alright so I could focus on the larger things. It’s like the operating system isn’t working so I can’t even worry about getting Spotify running again let alone crank up the tunes because before you can run the app you have to have a device that works, yanno? Just a little bit of an analogy there for you.

It doesn’t help that it’s been raining the past couple of days. I mean, rain is lovely and all but I’ve been less inclined to go out because of it. Though, being honest here, I probably wouldn’t have left the house even if it were mostly sunny without water falling from above. I’m just unable to do things. It’s a miracle I made food and did some housework.

Anywhozzles, I’m gonna try to sleep here in a bit. I’ll probskis be unable to sleep because that’s just been what happens these days… but we’ll give it a go anyway. I’m already insane, trying again while expecting a different result won’t change that much. Haha!

Note to self: I know you spelled “pendulum” correctly, but it looks completely wrong. Just… I think that’s somehow important here for whatever reason and I wanted to point that out. Pendulum is a weird word. But really, all words are weird aren’t they? Also, you’ve written over 800 words now which is crazy.

Have a fantastic Friday, friends!

M3