My first sunburn of the year!

OUCH!!

Matthew’s brain

I’m on a boat! To be precise, Steven and I are sitting on the ferry heading back home to Vancouver after a long, fun-filled day. Oh my goodness it’s been crazy!

Why are we on the ferry?

I haven’t been out of the city in so long. That’s mostly because I don’t have access to a (functioning) vehicle right now to get out easily. I could totally take the bus to a few amazing places with hiking, rivers, and whatnot, but it takes a little more planning and usually a lot more time to actually get to your destination.

I guess that the main reason I haven’t gotten out is because of habit. It’s a lot less appealing to go out in the winter when it’s cold and wet. But you get used to it and have to get back into the adventurer mindset. Sure you have to put in a little effort, but it pays off when you get to be out in nature enjoying activities and whatnot.

Anyway, so I realized that we should get out and do something different this weekend. We should go somewhere outside of the city! But where? There’s so many beautiful and exciting places nearby, it’s hard to choose. 🤔

Grouse Mountain is a favourite of mine! And Steven hasn’t been there yet, so I could play the tour guide and show it off to him. I didn’t have the energy to conquer the Grouse Grind last summer, but we could totally do it this weekend!

Or maybe we could go out to Lynn Canyon Park to splash around in the stream to keep cool from this sudden warm weather that hit us. There’s a great suspension bridge there to cross over and access the trail system. I went with Sarah a couple of Septembers ago and we had a lovely time down there. Took lots of pictures and saw some fluffy doggos. ‘Twould be fun to go again!

Ultimately I decided that we should go to surprise my sister with a visit over on the Sunshine Coast! I hadn’t seen her in a long time so it was about time anyway. Plus I wanted to go last week before I started feeling bleh. It totally worked out! 🙌

Off we go!

So off we went to the ferry terminal this morning. Our first challenge? Our own timing. 😜 We both had a hard time with sleep last night (must’ve been the excitement!) so we decided to take the second ferry so we could rest a little longer. When we were finally on our way, our trip got derailed by a medical emergency at the station where we had to transfer to another SkyTrain. A little disappointing since we didn’t have any time to spare, but it was beyond our control and totally understandable. Hopefully the person who needed medical care was alright.

Now we were going to miss the express bus to the ferry terminal which meant that we were gonna be on the 2:00 ferry. Oh well! We jumped on another bus to find someplace to spend the next few hours and maybe grab some iced drinks to cool down.

It was at this point that I should’ve thought to purchase sunscreen, but in my head I had already planned to do that once we were on the Sunshine Coast. It was a minor detail at this point though.

Finally on the ferry!

After hiking around Horseshoe Bay for a bit, we boarded our ferry and were on our way! We took some pictures, enjoyed some snacks, and before we knew it we were back on land. Hooray! We made it! 🙌

After a short bus ride, we popped in to a library for a bit while we figured out where we wanted to explore next and to hide from the sun. I still needed to get sunscreen before I ended up more red than Mars! So that was the priority. I kept dashing between the shady areas as we explored the little shops by the waterfront, keeping an eye out for sunscreen but getting distracted by cute touristy things and potential ice cream.

Eventually we had to make our way up an incredibly steep and long hill to get to the bus that would take us to Rebeckah’s place. With the sun beating down on us and very little shade to protect us, the sun made the journey quite gruelling. And I could feel my skin starting to burn, though Steven didn’t see any evidence of burning yet. But I knew that it was happening. We had to get to the top of the hill and get sunscreen ASAP!

Eventually, after a painfully slow walk, we had made it to the top and proceeded to London Drugs to get the much needed sunscreen. The only problem? It was too late. When we got to Rebeckah’s house she immediately noticed that the back of my neck had turned really red. So very red. Much sunburn. OUCH!!

C’est la vie!

So there we go… my first sunburn of the year! I don’t think that I’ve had a sunburn for the past two years, so this is my first one in a long time. That’s actually a pretty good record! Especially when you take into account my ginger susceptibility to sunburns and stuffs. 😁

I hope that I don’t get any more this year because they can get painful and then I really have to avoid the sun. This one wasn’t too bad, and with a little aloe lotion it will probably heal pretty quickly too. The only upside to getting sunburned is that it’s proof that I’ve been doing awesome stuff outside. Like a badge of honour! I’ll wear it proudly.

Thoughts on imposter syndrome and my health.

In preparation for writing this post, I decided to take some random imposter syndrome tests I found online. It was a very spontaneous decision so I don’t know what to make of it yet.

Note to self: You’re probably experiencing imposter syndrome about your imposter syndrome. Please try to remember that you don’t need to prove anything or need to manipulate the results.

Wait! What is imposter syndrome?

Let’s all get on the same page here. Imposter syndrome is a phenomenon (do do dododo) where your brain doesn’t believe that you have the abilities you claim or that you’re not worthy of recognition for what you accomplish.

Here’s a proper definition.

Imposter syndrome is the inability to internalize your successes, coupled with the fear of being outed as an unqualified fraud.

If you’re reading my blog then you probably already know all about imposter syndrome. 😜

What type of imposter am I?

First was a test on the Grammarly blog. This test assumed that you do at least occasionally experience imposter syndrome and tried to categorize it kinda like a personality test would. The types of imposters, as defined by Dr. Valerie Young, are as follows:

  1. The Perfectionist
  2. The Superhero
  3. The Natural Genius
  4. The Rugged Individualist
  5. The Expert

Before I began the test I thought that I was gonna be a strong perfectionist. My actual result?

The superhero! 🦸‍♀️ (Bold and italic, Matthew? Yaasss, Queen!)

That’s right! I’m a superhero imposter syndrome haver! 😁 The test has this to say about my result:

The Superhero imposter is one who feels like a less legitimate professional than their colleagues and takes on more and more and pushes hard to seem like the real deal.

In fact, Superhero imposters are workaholics, hooked on the validation they get from work rather than the actual work. Fixing this kind of imposter syndrome should be focused on training yourself to find internal validation rather than external validation. By shifting your focus, you’ll learn how to incorporate more balance into your workload.

I can relate, but I’m not entirely sure what to make of it. While I do have some validation issues–probably more than I realize or acknowledge–I would not call myself a workaholic. Though I may just be denying reality. Who knows for sure? I certainly don’t.

My partner took the test too and got “the perfectionist” and oh boy can I relate to what that one had to say!

Perfectionists are the most common personality type to experience imposter syndrome, and it makes sense – perfectionists set unrealistic expectations for performance, and when those expectations aren’t met, they question their self worth. As a perfectionist you likely have trouble recognizing your achievements and feeling proud of yourself since everything could be done better.

To beat imposter syndrome, you should focus on learning to celebrate your successes and truly appreciate how much you accomplish. Likewise, when you make a mistake, remember that mistakes are natural. Accepting that your work will never be truly perfect will free you to start your projects and try new things.

It’s weird though because while I think that I’m predominantly a perfectionist, I’ve always wanted to be good at failing and using those experiences as a learning tool. I even adopted the mantra “take chances, make mistakes, and get messy!” from The Magic School Bus as my own. Maybe this is a blind spot of mine? Perhaps I am less the perfectionist I thought and more just of a workaholic seeking the validation of others? Mayhaps I shouldn’t be reading so much into this silly online quiz that I googled randomly?

Maybe both types are true and accurate for myself. I do identify with each of the descriptions and can think of lots of examples in my life. I do seek validation and acceptance as well as setting unrealistic expectations for myself and then beat myself up when I don’t meet them. It’s all so complex!! 😫

If you’re wondering about the other imposter types, you can read all about them in this article from The Muse.

But how bad is it, Doctor Internet?

The next test was linked to from a blog post, but the test was gone! But my Wayback Machine browser extension kicked in and showed me the archived test from 2016. This was just a simple little questionnaire that told me I have a moderate amount of imposter syndrome. It had this to say about the matter:

Sometimes you worry that whatever success you have enjoyed was simply the result of being in the right place at the right time, or that people will discover you’re a fraud.

Okay, makes sense. That’s fairly broad, but good to know. It’s here that I want to remind everyone, including myself, that confirmation bias is deffos a thing to be weary of in this little exercise. If you go looking online to see if you have some sort of problem, you’ll probably find your suspicions are confirmed. But I definitely know that imposter syndrome is a major part of my daily life, I just want to use these tests as a way to explore the issue for myself.

The next test said is was “developed to help individuals determine whether or not they have Imposter characteristics and, if so, to what extent they are suffering.” Good to know that I’m suffering!

After I finished answering the long list of questions I was presented with this helpful graphic:

That’s not as much ‘helpful’ as it is ‘scary’. 🧐 At least the colour matches my hair!

Last one, I promise!

The last test I took was quite intensive with its questions; I felt like I was filling out some kind of overly personal marketing survey to earn a gift card! But I pressed on and got another graphic which was less ‘scary’-looking.

You may take pride in some of your achievements, but still struggle to take full ownership of them. Sometimes, in spite of all that you have accomplished and the effort you put into achieving it, you feel like a bit of an imposter. As a result, you may attribute some of your success to factors beyond your control and therefore, feel like you haven’t entirely earned the respect and praise that you were given. You want to believe that you are worthy of success, but can’t fully convince yourself.

Cool. Good to know. I mean, all of our lives’ successes and failures are to some degree attributable to factors outside of our control. Does that mean we don’t deserve the success? Does that mean we didn’t have some part to play in the outcome?

What does all of it mean?

I had a thought yesterday that was the inspiration for this little adventure. It’s popped into my head on occasion but I haven’t given it too much conscious thought in the past. What if my Crohn’s Disease isn’t as bad as I think it is and the symptoms I perceive are there because my mind is rationalizing undesired or otherwise lazy behaviour?

In other words, am I making it all up? Am I just using my Crohn’s as an excuse?

I know that I’m definitely not making it up. My symptoms and physical challenges are all too real and there are tonnes of lab reports that prove it. True I tend to be asymptomatic these days, which is good, but that’s because I’m in remission. It’s not because my Crohn’s is fake or made up. It doesn’t mean my Crohn’s is gone or that I won’t have problems, symptoms, and bad days… it means that I’m in a good place, physically speaking, which is ideal. It’s good!

That all being said, because of the Crohn’s (and probably for various other reasons) there are mental health issues at play. It’s part of the deal. Depression and anxiety are challenges that I face and Crohn’s doesn’t help at all. It makes it hard to do day-to-day tasks or feel motivated to work on projects.

Anyway, the point is that I have imposter syndrome and it affects many parts of my daily thinking. (Like maybe I’m not actually human after all!) It’s not great, but I know it’s a factor so I can manage it to some degree. Plus it’s just the way it is and a part of who I am.

I’m not a Crohn’s imposter.

Why I find Messenger to be a pain.

This post brought to you in part by Starbucks. Free WiFi and not-free snacks available now at Starbuckses everywhere!

For the past few weeks I’ve been mostly avoiding Facebook Messenger on my phone. I realize that I already do that fairly often without meaning to, but this time is slightly different. It started out as a passive non-decision–That is, I just ignored new messages when they arrived and told myself that I’d respond later or something. You know, the normal kinda thing that I do when I’m just not feeling socially able to deal with it right away.

After a little while I decided to make a conscious choice to stop responding to messages. Unless somebody needed an immediate response for something important, I would just ignore the messages. This made it an active choice that I made. Instead of simply neglecting to check messages or open notifications, I was actively ignoring people by choice.

Side note: I’m just spewing things as they come to mind… so this post may not make sense totally.

Now, if I’m ignoring Messenger intentionally vs unintentionally, does that make a difference? Like, should I feel bad about ignoring people that are wanting to talk to me? I think that it depends, but largely I shouldn’t feel bad about it.

See, the reason that I wanted to actively choose to ignore messages is so I wouldn’t feel obligated to respond. Does that make any sense? Maybe not. But for me, knowing that I don’t have to respond to messages helps take the pressure off.

Everyone and everything is trying to get our attention these days, and it’s quite invasive because we each have a phone with us pretty much all day long. I have my phone with me a lot, and with it I carry a slight sense of obligation that society sort of attaches to modern life. We need to be available, connected, and totally up-to-date on everything. God forbid that we aren’t informed about the latest happenings or newest trends. Everyone needs to throw in their two cents and react.

Where was I going with this… Ugh. I need to gather my thoughts again.

I think my point was that Messenger comes with a sense of obligation. By consciously choosing to ignore Messenger, I kinda remove that feeling for myself. I’m no free to respond or not respond as I wish! Sure, nothing’s actually changed except my perspective…but it makes a difference. By choosing to ignore Messenger and remove the obligation, I’ve actually been able to engage with some of my long-distance friends more than I used to. I don’t know why it’s made such a big difference. Maybe I’m just crazy.

I’ll come back and finish this post later.

Okay! It’s later. The next day, in fact. I had to leave the Starbucks so I could have TV night and now I don’t remember where my thought process was for this post. I’ll try to get back there somehow.

I think that I was just meaning that there are pressures and expectations put on us these days that we don’t even realize exist. Small little things like responding to messages become a big stress and it’s not even because of what those messages are saying but simply just the fact that we have to deal with them–are expected to deal with them. It’s one more thing on the big pile of responsibilities we have.

Whether we mean to or not, we take on that stress and let it build up. Maybe we don’t all have the same problem with messages as I do, but I’m sure there’s a bunch of little things that causes certain people similar feelings.

So that’s basically it. I’ve given myself permission to ignore messages and leave responses until a later time. Sure, part of the problem may be that I tend to have conversations over text more than quick communications about a certain topic. Either way, I needed to write a post about something and this is what came out. Hope it was worth the read. ;P

M3

This week in Matthew’s life…

All week I’ve been thinking about some really interesting posts to write here on the ol’ bloggy blog, and I started drafting one of them. However, I have yet to finish writing it, so I’m going to do a short update on some current goings on!

Currently listening to Galavant

Once we caught up on Game of Thrones, I introduced Steven to Galavant! It’s like The Princess Bride but funnier, Game of Thrones but fewer boobs and blood, and Ella Enchanted all rolled into one musical sitcom that’s simply delightful!

(That’s right, it’s a musical. And if you don’t like that, then you don’t understand happiness and joy! You monster!! 👹)

Since we started watching the show (we finished season one already!) we’ve both had the songs stuck in our heads and we can’t get them out! Especially the main theme. (I listen to the soundtrack quite often so I am quite familiar with the lyrics, too!) It’s both super fun and kinda annoying. Not annoying in a serious way that will end with me being rightfully accused of murder, but just kinda like a stray hair that won’t be tamed.

Currently obsessed with Cities: Skylines

I’ve mentioned it before and I will most deffos mention it again…
…I love city building games! Especially Cities: Skylines!

This week I’ve been filling in my newest city with more dense neighbourhoods and details for all of my sims to enjoy in their simulated lives. ☺️ This current city, Las Cruz, is one of the most intricate cities I’ve built yet thanks to the lessons I’ve learned from previous cities and adding a few mods from the Steam Workshop.

I’ve also been wanting to start making videos about my cities for YouTube, kinda like a “let’s play” series, but with a little bit of an improvised story about the city or something–very silly and Matthew-esque.

I really need and want to take a break from city building though.

Currently watching Game of Thrones and Star Trek: Discovery

I started watched Game of Thrones a few years ago with my geeky friends in my hometown. Rachel and Jessica introduced me to the series, as well as Galavant among others, and about a month ago I introduced it to Steven. We were determined to get him caught up on all seven seasons (70-ish hours) before the premiere of season 8 this past Sunday. However, we were also trying to be good about our TV habits and not go too crazy. HA!!

Rewind to last Friday (the Friday before season 8 started) when we were realizing that we were barely going to be able to watch everything in time. In fact, we missed the premiere by 2 hours even though we didn’t end up sleeping Saturday night or Sunday morning! That’s right, we stayed up all weekend and didn’t quite make it!

Oh well, we still watched the premiere after that all. But the whole weekend was so intense and overwhelming! Really fun though–I haven’t binged so hard in a long while. I got quite the thrill! 😜

And last night (this Friday) was the finale of Discovery. What a crazy season two we’ve had! It’s all come to an end already… and I haven’t watched it yet. I really don’t want it to end even if I’m left wondering what happens next. (The next sentence kinda contains softcore spoilers.) Everyone’s about to sacrifice themselves to protect all sentient, organic life from complete obliteration by some misbehaving AI and I still don’t know what happens to them all. But that’s alright because I’d rather be left with this cliffhanger than be left without new Trek episodes until the fall.

Also, I’m waiting for a friend to watch it with us. Then I’ll have the answers I seek.

Currently thinking about measles

It’s scary here in Metro Vancouver right now. There’s an outbreak of measles and because I’m immunocompromised… I’m at greater risk of infection even though I was vaccinated!

I know that the chances of my contracting measles is very low and I’ll probably be okie dokie, but I have to rely on everyone else having been vaccinated so the disease can’t spread around the city and reach me. Which is something that’s proved kinda anxiety inducing. Especially considering that vaccination rates are lower than what’s necessary to be effective in BC and in many parts of Canada and North America. (Although, recent outbreaks have prompted more people to get vaccinated, which is very encouraging!)

Just this past week there was a new confirmed case of measles in the city. The infected person went to a mall while they were contagious but not yet showing symptoms…and I had been in that very mall the evening before. 😵 Sure, close only counts in horseshoes, but what makes it scarier is I was considering going back to the mall the next day–the very day the infected person was there!

I know, I know…it’s unlikely I’ll get measles. But the chance of exposure does go up here in a city that’s experiencing an ongoing outbreak. The point is that I’m not the only immunocompromised person that relies on herd immunity to prevent themselves from contracting any number of highly contagious and preventable diseases, yet some people actively work to remove this important layer of protection. It baffles my mind.

There’s someone on Vancouver Island that’s currently quarantined in their home for 21 days because they are immunocompromised and were exposed to measles at their workplace. They can’t go outside their home for three whole weeks! So please, if you are able to get vaccinated, please make sure your shots are up to date!

Currently finishing this post

Well that’s about it for now. Other than I’m also currently feeling fairly inspired to work on a bunch of projects and ideas rolling around in my head, but I haven’t actually done too much to act on that inspiration yet. I did get books from the library for one thing though, and it’s got me more excited! 🙌 Gotta keep doing things!

Or at least try.

Edit: Oh! I also got a haircut today!

Where to start?

I sometimes have high expectations for myself.

🤨

Okay… very high expectations.

😑

Yes, yes. I often have unrealistically high expectations for myself.

This blog is one of those things. Even though I don’t end up putting too much effort into what I write on here (most things end up being silly and totally great!), I do tend to let my high expectations prevent me from just writing.

It’s annoying and I don’t like it. I find that it gets in the way of many things and leads to my low-key freaking out or nearly breaking down because I’m not good enough. Or, at the very least, the things I do aren’t good enough.

Question to self: What even is this “good enough”? Good enough for what? For whom? And why?

Even now, as my partner read what I wrote so far, I’m feeling like this post won’t be that good either. I mean, it’s probably because I don’t have a point to make… I started this post as I often do; not knowing what I’m going to type.

Maybe it’s all part of imposter syndrome? Or maybe since I’m generally good at doing a lot of things, I fear that I’ll not do a great job, so instead of doing my best and having it possibly fail, I either intentionally fail and laugh it off as a joke, or I stress about it and worry that whatever I’m doing won’t be good enough.

But again… good enough for what? What standard do I need to meet? Why can’t I just not be worried about this?!?!

…

Man, I need to chill.

Anyway…

I actually intended to give you an update about my life over the past several months. Let’s do that instead!

Sooo… where to start?

I’m tempted to start at the very beginning… 🎶 A very good place to start! 🎶 etc, etc

Over the past couple of weeks, I was actually surprised with very unexpected visits from three people! One of my aunts was in town and texted me two Fridays ago… and then last Friday my sister came home and we dragged her bags down to the ferry… and also last Friday one of my bestest friends from my home town texted me and we had a wonderful evening with each other and our partners! I hadn’t seen her in almost TWO YEARS!!! It’s crazy!

It’s been quite the time, let me tell you… 😸 and quite the boost for my spirit!

Other than that… I left my position at my cafe, which is really exciting and good for my overall health. (I was going crazy over there!) I kinda miss that place and making drinks for the regular customers, but I don’t miss being in charge and having to deal with all of the manager-type junk by myself.

The one downside is that I should probably start working somewhere else fairly soon. I’ve already applied at IKEA (HA!) and a few other places, but I have no clue what I’ll be doing. It’s an adventure!

Spring is definitely here and summer is speeding towards us! (Us being Vancouver and the surrounding area.) I’m so happy to see life coming back in my surroundings along with the warmer weather. It makes getting outside more pleasant and brings the opportunity for more outdoor activities, such as kayaking, hiking, geocaching, and spraying smokers with water! Can’t wait!

I also have renewed creative juices flowing and new inspiration for projects that I want to work on! I’m really excited about them all, and I can’t wait to share them with the world! It will take some time before I can do that, and I’ll also need to buy some new equipment, but I really want to do more projects. I need to do more projects. I need that outlet.

And after all of that rambling I hope that you’re not left feeling confuzzled and dazed. That’s all for now, so I’ll say bye bye.

See ya later, friends! 👋

Weekly, not daily!

I’m gonna start blogging again. However, instead of writing a new post every single day, I’ll be posting once a week. Unless I feel like there’s more to say, but my weekly minimum post count shall be one.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been clicking through my blog and rediscovering some aspects of my recent history that have helped me to gain a greater sense of place and progress. Some of the posts have also reminded me for what I used to hope and strive. It’s a good exercise, and exactly the point of my *formerly* daily blog.

I hope that by resuming my blog, I’ll exercise my creative mind and aspire to put fingers to plastic in my never ending pursuit of doing stuff. Also, I hope to be more accountable to myself and continue documenting what I’m thinking for future Matthew to reflect upon.

Until next post! 😸

Let’s just pretend everything is okie dokie…

My blog is still having problems, but they aren’t as persistent these days.

That’s good! 🙌

I’ve been feeling quite crumby lately because of my silly Crohn’s. Oh well! In the “most-exciting-thing-that’s-happening-right-now” department, my sister, Steven, and I are hosting a murder mystery dinner party in a few weeks. We have big ideas and few plans at this point, but we’re determined to do an amazing job! We’ll see how it goes.

M3