Category: Something

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I’ve been seriously considering not publishing a post today. But I must maintain this streak; the world depends on it! Or something like that.

Really though, I’m just trying to do a thing. I’m not good at it, but I’m trying. Even if each post is poorly composed and lacks substance, I’m doing it. Nobody can stop me, except myself. And while I may be struggling… I’m gonna write a post today.

There. I’ve now written a post today.

M3

*insert title here*

I’m trying to write a blog post tonight, but I can’t figure out what to actually say. What I intended to write was an apology to everyone I’ve been ignoring the past few days. But that just seems like weird and like I’m just asking for attention in a twisted way.

*ignores online friends* “Sorry, but I’m just not able to deal with people right now! But I’m still feeling lonely.”

It’s not a bad thing to want attention, though. Everyone needs attention. It’s part of being human. Right? But I’m not ignoring my internet friends because I want more attention from them. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m doing this other than I can’t deal with my phone right now. I know that I’m not doing well… and this was a very busy weekend, after which I’m completely exhausted and want nothing more than to sleep, cuddle, and watch Stranger Things. But I can’t keep interacting with people on my phone. It’s draining.

Maybe it’s because I am trying to avoid doing things. I have a list of things to do that I don’t want to deal with. I mean… I want to deal with this list, but I can’t. I just can’t. I’m unable to sleep properly, I’m exhausted all of the time, I don’t have any friends here, my body isn’t working, I’m scared to eat food, I make very little money, I had to cancel my trip home again, and I just have a hard time dealing with things.

It’s not like me at all; I used to be able to handle everything. I still can handle everything to some degree, because I have been able to get things done. I guess… I feel like I’m choosing not to be able to handle everything. Whether that’s the reality or not isn’t the point, the point is that I’m struggling. I trying. I’m dealing with what I can. And right now I can’t deal with my phone.

M3

Torn.

Do you ever feel pulled in two directions at the same time? That’s kinda what I’m feeling right now. Except… * big sigh* it’s multiple directions and on every level of my being.

I really, really don’t want to write a blog post. But I also really don’t want to miss a day. So yes, I’m posting yet another self-aware “this isn’t a real post” almost apology post. Ain’t it great?

M3

You’re only given a little spark of madness.

We had an open mic night at my coffee house for poetry and musical performances. Someone read a poem about Robin Williams and now I’m missing him again. Everyone misses him, though. I thought what he said about being crazy… he said, “You’ve got to be crazy! It’s too late to be sane. […] Because you’re only given a little spark of madness. If you lose that, you’re nothing.”

I don’t know why, but that quote, that piece of advice… it keeps rattling around in my head.

It makes a lot of sense. You can’t be too serious in this life. You have to embrace the crazy… embrace the nonsense. Things don’t make sense. The only thing that does make sense is laughter. Laughter shared with friends.

Hold on to that madness.

M3

Look up.

Look up. Look up and see.

There’s something missing. Something is gone.

But look up. Look up anyway.

It’s not there. But something else is.

Don’t look down. Look up.

You’re gonna miss it. There’s something new.

Lift your head. You need to look.

You miss what was there. But you’ll miss everything.

So look up. Look up and see what’s there now.

M3

False start.

Isn’t just so frustrating when you start something with such drive and passion only to be knocked back by some outside force?

The past several weeks I’ve felt this effect. My body gets all sick and my mind is all depressed, I do my best to manage it all and work towards improving my situation only to be set back by something. If it’s an outside force, I may get slightly disheartened, but I can carry on. If it’s my body having more troubles, then it’s harder to push through.

And then there’s nights like tonight; I’m writing up a blog post with the intention of talking about one subject, but I end up working about something else. I really want to finish my original post, so I save it as a draft for later and start writing my new post only to have the same thing happen again after a couple paragraphs.

False starts can be hard to deal with. But this week I’m really trying to maintain a certain level of drive so I can get stuff done even with a broken body. I’ve got a lot to do and deal with, but I’m always optimistic things will work out, because they always do eventually. The journey is long, slow, and difficult, but I’ll get there.

Keep on keeping on, friends!

M3

Another write off.

This is gonna be one of those lame posts I make when I’m either too busy or too depressed to write something more thoughtful. Wanna guess which reason it is this time?

Yeah, I’m kinda back to feeling depressed. I should do something about that. Well, I have been trying, but that doesn’t mean it’s just gonna disappear.

I hope you’re doing well. 🙂

M3

What’s on my mind?

What’s on my mind? Glad that you asked!

Well, I’m not really glad that you asked…I’m more, “eh. I can’t really think of anything else to talk about, so might as well share what’s going through my mind right now.” Although, come to think of it, you didn’t really ask me anything. I posed the question myself and attributed it to you, dear reader. Why would I do such a thing? So I could set the stage and hopefully pull you into my madness by giving you an active role to play.

It’s late and my arms feel like rubber. I had a headache earlier this evening so I took some medication.

Hey, I work at the coffee house tomorrow! I’m doing the closing shift with on of my favourite co-workers, which should be fairly fun.

Speaking about the coffee house, I’ve discovered that I can’t be a coffee person anymore. Turns out that caffeine negatively affects my Crohn’s. I knew that was a possibility as it’s on the list of possible bad foods, but I hadn’t really experimented with coffee/caffeine before I started working at the coffee house. So now that I do know, I’ll be minimizing my exposure to caffeine. Small amounts now and again shouldn’t be a problem, but I should still avoid it.

Yanno, the more I look at my list of “foods to avoid” and the list of “possible foods to avoid”, the more that I feel there is nothing that I can ingest without negative effects. It’s more like I have to choose what level of bad response I want from my gut on a scale of water to popcorn.

Speaking of rubber, my arms feel like it right now. Rubber that is. Wait… I already mentioned that. *eyeroll* That’s silly of me.

Anyway… I know that there’s decaf coffee available at most places, but that isn’t completely caffeine free. Either way, I think that I should still avoid coffee. I mean, what else can I do? Even chocolate has caffeine in it. If I want to keep eating chocolate, I need to cut out other sources of caffeine so the effects aren’t compounded so much from the chocolate. Yanno? #Logic #WinningAtCrohns

There was a new episode of The Orville tonight but I missed it on TV so I’ll have to stream it online later. The last episode was very fun and guest starred Charlize Theron! There are rumours that we’ll see actors from Star Trek: The Next Generation appear in future episodes this season, including Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner. Possibly even William Shatner! Wouldn’t that be fun?

Earlier tonight while I was making myself some rice, I cut my foot on a sharp corner somewhere. I didn’t even notice until I saw blood, then I thought, “huh… I guess my foot is hurting and I should take a closer look.” It’s not that bad, but I thank you for your prayers and comments of support.

Anyway, I should go to sleep while I continue to bleed into the bandage I applied to my foot wound. Hopefully I don’t lose so much blood that I die while unconscious in my bed. Haha! Could you imagine? That would be horrible.

M3