I’m a pendulum. And not in the fun way.
Note to self: Find out what the fun way is.
I keep going back and forth between okay and not okay, it’s getting really irritating. I can’t deal with things, but I have to. I’m really trying, but I… I just can’t. Being sick all the time gets really tiring. Being exhausted all the time is tiring. And as tired as I am, I still can’t sleep. I’m lying in bed for hours on end doing nothing until I finally fall asleep, but then I sleep all day and get nothing accomplished.
On top of that, I feel very little. Like, emotionally. It’s been like this for a while, but I think that it’s been amplified over the past few days. Last weekend was good, and I felt good. My spirit was up and I was extra optimistic and stuffs… But now I’m just numb and meh.
Like, I don’t get super pumped about things, or super sad either. Emotions are very short-lived and either weak or very strong. Yanno? I dunno.
It’s just… I want to be normal but I’m not. I know what will help and I know that it’s also partly beyond help. It will be what it will be to some degree and that can’t be changed. But I’ll try to do what I can. It’s incredibly difficult, but I’ll try.
And don’t give me any of that “there is no try, only do” nonsense. I mean, I get what you’re saying with that and I often agree with that sentiment, but I know I’m going to fail. It’s just a fact. I will do what I can, I will try to push forward, but I’m not going to be hard on myself because when I fail that just makes it worse. It’s not even failure, it’s more… not being able to do something (sometimes anything) because of physical and mental limitations. Yanno?
Anyway… I couldn’t sleep last night. I was awake in bed until 8-ish when I finally drifted off. Then I slept until 5-ish when the day is nearly done and there’s not a lot of time left before I have to do this all over again. I need to sleep at a decent hour later tonight so I’ve been focusing on non-intense self-care type things like eating, singing, reading, and stuffs. Although I’ve also been marathoning a TV show while doing that other stuff. It’s one of my top favourites of all time, Please Like Me. It’s a beautifully shot and very honest show that I just love and it’s so personally relevant. Freakishly relevant, actually.
Wow, I was just not expecting so much to come out so easily tonight. It’s just so weird that I’m writing so well when my mind and body feel absolutely like shit.
I need to do more to connect with people. I’m in a city of millions and I feel alone? I mean it makes sense, especially since I’m introverty and awkward and stuffs. But I’m also super outgoing and friendly, which makes it really weird. Though, the depression doesn’t help. I’m also incredibly self aware, which can be fabulous most times… but it can also present in a less productive way which really doesn’t help.
Haha, now I’m rambling. This is now essentially an externalization of my inner thoughts (Carlos [my phone] just tried to put “thighs” instead of “thoughts” there… well played, Carlos) which I’ll read back later and just go “huh…”, yanno?
Anyway, so life is hard but it’s especially hard right now. It’d be nice if my body and mind would be alright so I could focus on the larger things. It’s like the operating system isn’t working so I can’t even worry about getting Spotify running again let alone crank up the tunes because before you can run the app you have to have a device that works, yanno? Just a little bit of an analogy there for you.
It doesn’t help that it’s been raining the past couple of days. I mean, rain is lovely and all but I’ve been less inclined to go out because of it. Though, being honest here, I probably wouldn’t have left the house even if it were mostly sunny without water falling from above. I’m just unable to do things. It’s a miracle I made food and did some housework.
Anywhozzles, I’m gonna try to sleep here in a bit. I’ll probskis be unable to sleep because that’s just been what happens these days… but we’ll give it a go anyway. I’m already insane, trying again while expecting a different result won’t change that much. Haha!
Note to self: I know you spelled “pendulum” correctly, but it looks completely wrong. Just… I think that’s somehow important here for whatever reason and I wanted to point that out. Pendulum is a weird word. But really, all words are weird aren’t they? Also, you’ve written over 800 words now which is crazy.
Have a fantastic Friday, friends!