I’m trying to write a blog post tonight, but I can’t figure out what to actually say. What I intended to write was an apology to everyone I’ve been ignoring the past few days. But that just seems like weird and like I’m just asking for attention in a twisted way.

*ignores online friends* “Sorry, but I’m just not able to deal with people right now! But I’m still feeling lonely.”

It’s not a bad thing to want attention, though. Everyone needs attention. It’s part of being human. Right? But I’m not ignoring my internet friends because I want more attention from them. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m doing this other than I can’t deal with my phone right now. I know that I’m not doing well… and this was a very busy weekend, after which I’m completely exhausted and want nothing more than to sleep, cuddle, and watch Stranger Things. But I can’t keep interacting with people on my phone. It’s draining.

Maybe it’s because I am trying to avoid doing things. I have a list of things to do that I don’t want to deal with. I mean… I want to deal with this list, but I can’t. I just can’t. I’m unable to sleep properly, I’m exhausted all of the time, I don’t have any friends here, my body isn’t working, I’m scared to eat food, I make very little money, I had to cancel my trip home again, and I just have a hard time dealing with things.

It’s not like me at all; I used to be able to handle everything. I still can handle everything to some degree, because I have been able to get things done. I guess… I feel like I’m choosing not to be able to handle everything. Whether that’s the reality or not isn’t the point, the point is that I’m struggling. I trying. I’m dealing with what I can. And right now I can’t deal with my phone.

M3