I’m doing a lot of sleeping these days. At the same time, I’m struggling to get enough sleep. Yanno?

That doesn’t seem to make sense, but it’s where I’m at. I’ll lie in bed for hours waiting to be taken away to dreamland on the sleepy time express, but the train just sits in the station. I want to sleep, but it doesn’t happen. Even after going through my tools to try and get me more ready for sleep, I’m still just… not sleeping.

Once I finally do fall asleep—usually towards 4 or 5 in the morning—I don’t wake up for anywhere between 8 and 12 hours later… and I still don’t feel completely rested.

Here’s my theory for what’s contributing to this problem. First, there’s my depression and anxiety which is kind of obvious but not the only reason. Second, I’m not moving my body around much when I am awake, and you need to get your body moving if you’re gonna get proper sleep. I keep meaning to get back to taking a short walk at the start of the day, but it’s incredibly hard to get out of bed. I know, I know… that’s not an excuse. It is, however, the way it is. I have very little motivation left in me at this point. Nothing really gets me excited or amped up. I mean, there are things that get me going such as work and some events, but for the most part… my mind is just blank. I don’t know how to explain it.

Anywhozzles. Another reason is I have an obsessive mind that’s constantly thinking and overthinking, especially once I’m in bed. All of the stress and worry comes back which ends up taking over my thoughts. So annoying, but it’s been happening less the past week. Now it’s just mostly grey. Like… yeah. Grey. On top of all that, it’s hard to convince my body to go to sleep so soon after it just got going, yanno? For example, if I fell asleep at 3 the night before, woke up at 2-ish, didn’t get out of bed until 3 or 4-ish, then after I get dressed and do my routine stuff I’ll finally be fully awake and (mostly) ready to do stuff by  5-ish. Once I finally get to doing stuff (if my mind/body is letting me do the stuff) it’s now nighttime again and I should start thinking about sleep. I go to bed but my body isn’t ready for sleep yet so I just lie there… So completely and thoroughly exhausted but not sleepy.

Fourthly, I haven’t been eating much. When I do eat, it’s usually one big meal which, I know, it’s not great. I’m not that interested in food, though. I want to be… I still want to cook and make food, but I just don’t. I need to get more physical movement… eat more frequently… and socialize with other people… all of which is very challenging. I am working on that last item, though. Slowly. I have a group of friends at the nerd cafe that is a bunch of fun! And I’ve been working to establish new friendships with some people around the city. It just takes time to actually find good people.

I’m going to head to bed now. I just finished Stranger Things 2—IT WAS SO GOOD!!! Gah, I wish that I spread it out a little more instead of watching it in a week! But yes, SLEEP TIME!! (??)

M3