Dear driver of the white Honda CR-V on the Coquihalla this afternoon

Three things.

First, there’s this nifty little feature on cars that all the kids are using these days. It’s called a turning signal. You use it to communicate with other drivers! (Crazy, I know!) Gonna change a lane? Let others know by using the turning signal so they can help you get where you want to go safely.

Also, how about you check to make sure there isn’t a car beside you before deciding to change lanes! Even if you decide not to use a signal, it kinda keeps us from colliding.

But you shouldn’t have even been in the left lane to begin with. On long highways outside of cities you’re supposed to use that lane to pass other vehicles. You’re not supposed to drive in it then move out of it so I can pass you while I’m already starting to pass you in the right lane and so you almost hit my car, but don’t worry, I pressed my brakes to avoid the collision!



(P.S. This probably sounds incredibly more dramatic than it actually was. The incident really wasn’t that bad. I’m just playing it up.)


It’s time for a fun fact!

Whenever I’m trying out a pen in a store or doodling on a piece of paper or typing something mindlessly into the computer, I will most often write the word ‘jump’.

That is all.

No, Matthew… You can’t leave it there.


Because that’s a very short thing. You should say more!


Thank you.

So, I dunno why I do that. It’s just a habit that has developed over the years. I think that it’s rather fun! The word jump just has a certain energy about it, right? And it in my mind, I connect it to bouncing kangaroos, trampolining, and playing around outside. Just general fun stuff!

Note to self: Find a place to bounce on a trampoline. Maybe there’s a giant trampoline park thingy. Yanno the places that also have the ball pits and such? Yeah, those places! I’m sure there’s one around here.

Anyway. Just thought I’d put that out there.

Do you have any little habits like this?


Let’s all count to one!


We did it!

Oh man, I miss The Muppet Show. My family has several seasons of the original show from back in the day on DVD. It’d be fun to watch it again! Oh my goodness. That’s what we should watch for our next movie night; The Muppets from 2011 with Jason Segel! I’ve been wanting to rewatch that for a while now.

Note to self: Do it. Watch The Muppets with someone. Soon!

You’re getting off-topic, Matthew. Stick to your point!

My point? Have I a point?

Yes. You really do. You reeeeeaaalllly do, Matthew.

Do I?

Yes. Stop questioning it.

But if I don’t question it, who will?

Does anybody really care?

Care about what?

What you’re talking about.

Am I talking about something?

Yes. You are.

No, I’m really not.

Then what are you doing?

Typing something.



You’re too picky.

Am I?

And you ask way too many questions.

Do I?


So, you were saying something about counting?

Questions are so important, don’t ya think?


See? You just used a question! *le gasp* And so did I!


Thank you so much! It’s just super! I’m so excited!

Again. Congrats.

Anywhozzles, we successfully counted to one! Now that we’ve accomplished our goal, I think we deserve to dance to a fun song! I’ve included two songs below, but be warned that Lose Control uses some explicit words. The other one does not.


How about some corny jokes?

Everyone likes classic jokes that are kind of silly, corny, and obvious, right? Well regardless, here are some of those very things. You’re welcome.

Why didn’t the acrobat work during the winter?

He only did summersaults!

What’s a clock’s favourite spice?


Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs!

Why couldn’t the pirate recite the alphabet?

The pirate always got lost at “C”!

What happened to the overturned fruit truck?

It caused a big traffic jam!

Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

He was too far out, man!

What do you call a camel with no humps?


Why are you still reading this?

Go away!

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?

It was quite an oar deal!

What did the guy with amnesia say at the bar?

So, do I come here often?

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?


Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field!

Are we done with this yet?


Why didn’t the teddy bear ask for seconds?

It was stuffed!

What did the mermaid wear to math class?

An algae-bra!

Okay, now we’re really done.


Celebrating one week…with chocolate!

I just ate a few bites of my chocolate Easter bunny. Why? Because I was craving chocolate. But then I remembered that I hadn’t written today’s blog post AND that it has been one week since I started posting daily. That’s crazy! And the chocolate suddenly became somewhat celebratory for me. This is the first time that I’ve posted to a blog each day for a solid week. Yay for firsts!

Naturally, the rest of this post will be about feet. But first, can we just acknowledge the yumminess that is chocolate? Like, really. Who even thought of that? Actually, just a moment.

Okay, I’m back. I just visited an amazing place!!! Facts About Chocolate has so many facts about chocolate. It’s great! Liquid chocolate was the way to serve it back in the day. That sounds amazing! But back to who invented chocolate. The Olmec are believed to be the originators of chocolate, though we can’t be sure. After that, the Maya used cacao beans as currency and integrated liquid chocolate into much of their culture.

Note to self: Add “chocolate body paint” to the list of reasons to lick other people. That sounds fun!

Look. We all agree that chocolate is great. But have you ever tried a deep fried Mars bar? They’re amazing!! If you ever have the opportunity to try one or make it yourself, DO IT!

I’m sorry, this was supposed to be a post about feet. Let’s get back to that.

Feet are weird. They’re like hands with webbing between the fingers and knuckles that moved towards the end of each digit. (Also, the thumb fell off and another fat finger was grown to replace it.) We use feet to walk, to swim, to play sports, and push a door when our arms are full. Honestly, without feet, we’d be stuck. So I’m quite a big fan of feet! After all, I am six feet tall, which makes me a literal big fan of feet.

But seriously. Chocolate milk, am I right? In my family, we call it “pirate milk”. Why? Because it’s sought after like pirate gold, and it’s milk. Also because I started calling it that and the name stuck. (I was kind of a trendsetter in the family.) Now that I’m telling you, maybe it can become a thing. Pirate milk! You heard it here first. 🙂

Here’s a question. What if we mixed feet and chocolate? You could dip your feet into chocolate! Like putting your feet into mud except that it’s edible mud that’s really chocolate. Sounds fun and relaxing, right? Almost like a therapeutic treatment that you’d get at a fancy spa. “Chocolate foot dip with gold flakes.” This needs to be a thing!

So ends my daily dose of random writing. Thank you for your time and attention.

Also, a very happy birthday to Queen Victoria! Long live The Queen!


My First “List” Post

Lists are fun and they are everywhere! You write a list before you go shopping, you have a daily to-do list, many people even have lists of lists. You see lists on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest… and even those services are based on lists of posts from friends that you’ve added to (yet another) list. Annnnd BuzzFeed is basically another word for list!

So it seems this “list” craze is here to stay. It’s not just a fad! So I’m jumping on the bandwagon by writing my own list! May I present…

Matthew’s Top Six Lists

1. Reasons to Lick Other People

  • To clean sauce off their finger.
  • You’re acting like a dog.
  • Because of a dare.
  • You like them.
  • To taste before eating them.

2. List of Digits

  • Left pinky.
  • Left ring.
  • Left middle.
  • Left index.
  • Left thumb.
  • Right pollex.
  • Right digitus secundus manus.
  • Right digitus me’dius.
  • Right digitus annula’ris.
  • Right digitus mi’nimus ma’nus.

3. List of Digits

  • 0
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • 6
  • 7
  • 8
  • 9

4. Top Girls to Pick Up

  • My mother from the airport.
  • My sister at the grocery store.
  • A baby crying on the floor.
  • The brunette in the corner booth.

5. List of Things I Can See

  • My laptop.
  • A rabbit named Cadbury.
  • A large, open window.
  • My metallic water bottle.
  • Six human legs.
  • A gingerbread TARDIS.
  • Geroy Simon.
  • A lynx.
  • A long, sharp kitchen knife.
  • A coil of rope.
  • Fertilizer.
  • Tears.

6. Types of Lists

  • Laundry
  • To-do
  • Grocery
  • Mental
  • Bucket
  • Packing
  • Ordered
  • Unordered
  • Reading
  • Check
  • Favourites
  • Mailing
  • Friend
  • Ingredient
  • Set
  • Play
  • Cast
  • Guest
  • Hit

A Love Note

Every time I think of you, my heart skips a beat. My mouth waters and I long to press you to my lips. Your cheesiness and your orange colour always bring a smile to my face! I can’t wait until we meet again, macaroni and cheese.